it is what it is

i suppose sometimes you just can't help the inevitable feeling of "it is what it is."  circumstances that are out of your control, moments when your internal voices are in conflict, trepidation of embracing the ideal, potential and actual reality.

i've always eschewed the term "it is what it is."  i held tight to alternate responses that have worked in my favor and allowed me to take some of the most rewarding risks in my life.  it is also a response that has prompted me to react too quickly, without thought of the consequences and eventually laid my head on a pillow full of regret.

i suppose a balance of rationality and spontaneity can lead to positive outcomes without having to avert to the despised saying of "it is what it is."  but ultimately, this life, your life, is yours and the only one you've got.  is it going to be "just is what it is?"  or will fear of the immediate hurt and pain be overcome by assurance of a life your core knows is better and waiting for you? i can't assure you of either answer.  i can only ask the question and hope that you find the path that works best for you.  and my wasted heart will forever hope that i'm apart of your path.  so that my life....my outcome....doesn't become "just is what it is."  

but i'll be okay if that's who i am in your outcome.  sometimes my idealistic heart gets ahead of me...or so i've been told.  i'll be okay with "it just is what it is" ....and feel rest assured that in some circumstances it really "just is what it is."  

life everchanging

if you asked me if i like routine, my knee jerk response would be an overwhelming "NO!"  but it's during times like these, that i realize how much routines really rule our lives.  

it seems typical and practically coveted to have some kind of routine in life, whether you want to admit it or not.  even the life that seems completely void of routine inevitably ends up developing some routine out of their lack of.  the things we do when we wake up, take a shower, before we go to work or out with friends, the place we live and on and on and on. routine seems to keep us grounded in some way....provides a "place" (whether in the literal or figurative sense) for us to call home.

these routines become so engrained in our brains that even the smallest change (good or bad) can rock our worlds.  change in people, change in environment, change in friends or family.  changes that offer a new perspective on life...or perhaps just a different one.  

and among this sudden change it's possible, if we pay close attention, to recognize the routines that are extremely important in our lives as well as the ones that may just need to go.

for me, i think a routine that includes a healthy balance of friends, responsibility and love are essential in our existence and growth.  i've realized how incredibly blessed i am to have many of these routines in place and flourishing as we speak.  and i've realized that there are some routines that have a lot of work to be done and attention that is needed.  it's funny how a break in our routines tends to be the very perspective we need to see what is most important in our lives.  and what routines are in desperate need of our attention.

Label Me

what if labels didn't exist?  the concept seems outlandish at first as our categorical brains pine to define EVERYTHING.  we have been cognitively programmed to label people, events, circumstances, actions, things, etc.  and we find ourselves frustrated when the labels we have for someone or something just don't seem to fit.  some labels are brief while some last a bit longer.  sometimes we wish we never had to label at all!  sometimes we don't like our own labels.  the ones we've given ourselves or the ones that have been given to us.  

and yet, we seem to attach ourselves to these labels and grip to them as tightly as we can.  and understandably so.  it's what we've been taught to do after all...  

but what if labels just didn't exist?  what if there were no such thing as "mine" or "yours" or "good" or "bad" or "tall" or "short?"  man, this list could go on and on!!  this concept is actually not so outlandish  if you think about it.  it's actually one of the basic principles of Buddhism.  the reason for eternal suffering is in our attachment to things (labeling: you're "mine," i'm "yours," etc).  we label ourselves and our possessions as just that....possessions.  and our things, along with ourselves, become off limits to an entire word around us.  we become off limits to the very world we were meant to explore in all its greatness and all of it's purity.  all of our greatness and all of our purity.  we've been labeled "off limits" when all we really want is the freedom to explore just how unlimited we can really be.    

what if labels didn't exist?

Wounded

I’m broken
feeling myself standing on an edge
about to plunge
into an unknown abyss
about to take a risk
that I’m trying to convince myself

has been calculated

and I’m feelin frustrated
at the fact that every thought and emotion
I’ve debated
with the earth
the sun
the moon
and the stars
have only left scars
that run endlessly into my veins

and I’d be okay
with the origins of this pain
if the deep lacerations
left some remnants of truth
some remnants of you
something tangible
something to hold onto

but as these wounds
were inflicted
I couldn’t stop the bleeding
they poured out everything
and drenched the ground beneath me
every reaction
every reason
every memory of love
and love lost
I’d always counted on to complete me

gone...

so I stand now in the puddle
of my remains
contained
in a broken mind storm
that once rained
confident questions
and animated concentration
to what is now
a dehydrated blank slate
unable to feel
unable to heal
unable to deal
with wasted time
and hesitation

I’ve been bleeding for too long
left my remains
all across this nation
I’m broken
I’m done
this part of my life
needs no more formal education

so in an act of desperation
I stand at this edge
ready to make my plunge
confidently
careless
emotionless
directionless
broken once again
and ready to see
if the wounds I endure tomorrow
will leave anything left inside of me

This I Believe

This poem was inspired by a book published through NPR called:

"This I Believe" 

(check out the link attached)

This I Believe

i believe not in destinations

but rather in progression

through eccentric self expressions

relinquished material possessions

long lasting impressions

and those never ending,

unanswered questions.

i believe there are no guarantees

but that there is always a chance

endless chances

for unexplained circumstances

full of hasty advances

of soft glances

and slow dances

bold stances

in romances

resulting in love trances

i believe the chance is...

always a possibility.

see i believe that that possibility

could possibly set our minds free

free from insurmountable insecurity

to random acts of kindness and courtesy

from societies product driven impurity

to introspective reflection and maturity 

till you feel completely assured you see, just how

possible 

possibilities

can possibly be.

i believe we're finally paying attention.

i believe in family first

not defined as an oppressive proposition wants so desperately to disseminate

in an effort to dictate

my fate....

no see, i'm talking about blood family

and the family i make

relationships i conjugate

with passers by 

best friends

each and everyone of my soul mates

based on respect, trust, passion and love

rather than the importance of being straight.

i believe my voice is gettin loud...

i believe there is nothing more beautiful

and better for this world

than every individual finding their own path

that uplifts spirits 

and compliments their very core

opens doors

to everything their weary hearts and minds 

have endlessly been searching for.

see i believe in possibility

the possibility of truly knowing myself

to possibly set myself free

through no promise

and no guarantee...

but simply the possibility....

the possibility...

to believe in me.

what do you believe?

 

Drama and distraction are necessary....or do i just not get it?

I am curious as to why the words drama and distraction have developed such negative connotations and become so “taboo” in a society that seems to heavily embrace both and essentially need both to survive. seems like a bit of an oxymoron no?

we distract ourselves from our days, from our jobs, from our own minds, from our relationships, etc. but yet we always feel guilty about it. we feel "bad" for being distracted as if it's this devilish emotion that NO ONE else ever feels. and drama. That infamous word (that i've seen re-occur far too often in the lesbian community) that we, as woman, seem to know so little about but astoundingly cower away from only to then pine so deeply for in our days, jobs, minds, relationships, etc. we scream the words of Mary J Blige "No More Drama" in hopes that our lives will be ridden of the very thing (drama) we seek when we think no one else is looking.

we feel frustrated, angry and even guilty when distraction and drama creep into our lives. shit, we even medicate ourselves....heavily...to keep our minds from veering off the path that seems to be...should be....we hope to be…the true outcome of our success (again, in our jobs, relationships, minds etc). but what is success? how are we successful without distraction or drama...in any facet of our lives? what is a relationship we don't veer from every now and again? or a job, or friendship, or even our own life? perhaps drama and distraction are just the things we need in life to keep us growing, questioning, deciding, moving toward a better "us." Perhaps then we become clearer about deciding when (if ever) is the right time to make the move or if we should maybe just stay put. perhaps its drama and distraction we need to embrace in order to understand ourselves that much better.

I think drama and distraction are necessary. but maybe i just don't get it.

Which Way is Right?

I've recently been reading about Buddhism's reflection of the eight signpost of the being on the spiritual path:

Right Understanding

Right Speech

Right Action

Right Livelihood

Right Effort

Right Concentration

Right Mindfulness

So I guess all I need to know now is....which way is "Right?"