If I can offer you any piece of advice it would be this:
Live now. Life is too damn short to simply wish things were different.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

now (for a friend)

I meant to see it through to the end
I should have trusted you to be my friend
suppose now
that I somehow
know how
to create for you and me
that reality
imagine the ability
to create such possibility
and to see the responsibility
piled upon perfect imperfections
crumble to invisibility
I try diligently
to figure out who will it be…

which one of us
is going to state the obvious

I try to conceive now
the very direction we’re going
though my heart  can only believe now
theres no possible way of knowing
so all that I see now
behind your eyes and beneath the coding
is that its time to trust me now
and move beyond these memories that I’ve been holding
beyond a chase
beyond a goal
the means and the end
is a long endeavor
that feels less like fighting for
without you friend

but I’ve become a champion at waiting
tabling the knots of my tied up heart strings
malingering in the meantime
dancing through daydreams
that every sleepless night brings
watching the way that my heart clings
to the clatter that makes my ears ring
to the words that my angles of fear sing
hopeless romantics, without wonder
without wings
and no expectation for all the silly things
I’ve planned for
they’ve no longer become what I stand for

i’m sitting down now
sitting to just be now
able to see
whats before me now
two sets of hands holding locks with no key now
and yet I still can’t seem to agree
with the reality that I see now
but I had my chance
and perhaps through happenstance
i’ve finally become free now

it’s all no longer up to me….now

Friday, October 8, 2010

living life to the fullest

living life to the fullest
somewhere, somehow
through a downward spiral
of thoughtful consciousness progress
began to shed it’s mindless, originating
complex and full of heart pounding
alarms sounding
the end of a day,
a minute
a second
constantly calculating the life lived in the seconds that passed
trying to right the wrongs before the next second should pass
cause it could be the last
forcing us to act fast
to make that second count, make it last

hurried in a flurried
unfocused frenzy
of a race against the clock now
surface sentiments passed through generations
from the top down
burning out, refocusing
and drawing it to a stop now
is no longer a preference or opinion
it’s all that we’ve got now
the required revision
to the well intended definition
of life to the fullest
we all ought to be livin

so we take some steps back
to get a better view
of the factual fragments that define full
varying from life to life
from me to you
and find the one common clue
that life lived to the fullest
embraces every moment it lived through

the highs, the lows
the black and the blue
white lies you held on to
broken hearts that laid on you
projected fears driven in you
peer pressure given into
a milestone 
a breakthrough
dreams that slipped through finger tips
and the ones they held onto
saw follow through
lies minds convinced bodies to be  true
open hearts and eyes reminding the body
of everything it already knew to be true
the hurt a life will never undo
the love a life will forever shine through
living life to the fullest is embracing
the wars we’ve won
the lessons we’ve learned
and everything in between
seeing the beauty in ugly
the spontaneity in routine
the moment cognitive knowledge
transfers to the emotion
and we fully understand what it means
to live every moment of this life to the fullest
living in our reality
the life we always pictured in our dreams

Thursday, September 30, 2010

action vs. intention

I used to worry about my actions
that was until I found out about intention
the wonderful “get out of jail free” card
the word thats come to mean
“acceptance of
expectant of
blatant disregard”

its become our licensed learned behavior
positive proof that we’re just not paying attention
displaying next to our height and weight
that  we’re just too scared to mention
the way that these indolent intentions
have taken root from their ascension
into this world of open and closed
minded comprehension
while they mix
and mingle
with feeble fractions
of dangerous distractions
until they become nothing more
than a heartless reaction
to the same…
but different
intended action

and I have to know
have to ask the question
when did
actions intended
replace any actual action extended
or even worse
become a reasonable excuse that defended
the contradictory convictions suspended
inside the very action impended

see I’m confused
or maybe just don’t get it
intentions have taken the lead
while actions simply aid and abet it
with a “baby, I’m sorry, I regret it”
“how can you think I don’t love you
after all the times I’ve said it?”
a point at which
intended angry hearts
turn to the mind to let it
tuck away angry reactions
until the only reasonable action left
is to simply forget it

we forget and erase
that any action ever took place
so soundly convinced by the
intent look on the offenders face
the foreign body language that we loath yet embrace
with our very own misrepresented intention
allowing empty word games
to infiltrate and attack
unleashing fully loaded rhetoric
with the same impact
the very action itself lacked
all designed to distract
defensive actions still intact
from the exact
very matter of the fact…
the motherfuckin act

perhaps certain circumstances
require a deeper investigation
some consideration of intent
behind the action based offense
to justify the determination
of consequence
but to me it doesn’t seem to make sense
the apparent assignment of pretense
rationalizing the action
based solely on intent
when at the end of the day
an action is simply that
an action
without defense
the very need for any reaction to commence…
seems like common sense

the act
the action
the commotion
the display
that berate
that betray
the intent filled words that we say
seem necessary to outweigh
the very intent that seeks out every ounce of self respect
as its prey
so lets pray
that the promise of yesterdays intent
will no longer outshine
the actions of today

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

balance and beauty

been trying to find that thin line
buried beneath the sand
that balance of fear and joy
that I hold in either hand
the balance of everything and nothing in particular
the balance of the love I have and love I chose to give to her
the juggling act my natural instincts don’t naturally prefer
the reaction transfer  
that naturally defer
to contextual emotion
with one fluid motion in time
outsourcing my mind to rhyme travel
endorsing the thoughts in each rhyme
sending me back and forth into the past and the distant
knowing the middle line, the balance I’m looking for
lives only in this particular instant
still never consistent
with the emotional overload
I so naturally seem to dwell in
I’m needing to move past the vast
habitual  behavior in order to excel in
sufficient change management of the surrounding day to day
the uncontrollable play
of a change of heart, a change of mind
completing the puzzle myself
when the other party involved only makes it halfway
knowing it’s okay
to serve myself in succession or even before any other
focusing on the happiness that defines me
rather than fulfilling the lost dreams of my mother
releasing the performance piece of me that smothers
every other side
I choose to hide
with the assumption that when revealed
they’ll be no love for her…
another step in the right direction
is all I’m looking and hoping for
another window unlatched
a slight crack in the door
to balance of fear and happiness
the glimpse of gray and the in between
the balance of everything I show and everything I am
the beauty of this person I’ve never seen

What is God

What is God?
I’m confident when I ask that question every mind and heart
Will start to pick apart such a question
While simultaneously making it their mission
To piece together a sufficient definition
A universal composition
Or perhaps their very own rendition
Of what God is
Every mind and heart may also get the impression
That by imposing such a question
That I’ve made the suggestion
Of offering my very own profession
Of what God is
Well, I can’t say that such conviction lay within these lines
But perhaps somewhere inside and around me
On every side and up above,
I carry the sneaky sense, the faithful belief
That God is in fact the very definition of love
And I’m sure this thought is nothing new
Simply something you all already knew
That this love that is God, God that is love
Is all around and inside each and every one of you
But here is my little twist to the mix
How many of you remember this:
That such an abundant and unconditional love is neither
Yours or mine to own
That such a pure and powerful love is only ever felt,
Ever truly known
When it is shown
Through all that we are
In flesh and bone
The rhythm our hearts beat
That keep that pace of love like a metronome
For every voice and every tone
Singing in church or at home
Belting a chorus in our cars
Or over a microphone
Love imbedded in simple reminders that we are never alone
The belief is the beginning
Action and intention the follow through
It’s what we say and how we say it
The ideas we hold strong to
The long list of things we want to do
And making them all come true
It’s moving into
The day when everyday this love makes another debut
And stands steady to remind you
That equally important as giving this love
Is having the confidence and conviction
To open up and start receiving
Letting it fill you
And keep you forever believing
That through the good and the bad
The ups and the downs
Through smiles and frowns
The tears, fears
Beautiful and frustrating moments that life brings
That the voice of God inside you always sings
Taking it all and rising above
Keeping you calm, cool and collected
In the abundant love that is God
And the God that is love

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Just Me

i fear my time to light
may just take a bit longer than i'd planned
a longer distance from where i am
there's something about this grip around my throat
that doesn't seem to want to weaken or let go
its making me light-headed
headed down the wrong way of a one way street
away from me
my mind is aware but seems to have no control over
any complete steps directing my feet
to the point where i retreat and wonder
whoever thought it would take all this
tiny memories and thoughts to reminisce
that actually doesn't seem to add up to all that much
all that i'm made of
yet it breaks my spirit, my soul
and all my faith in love
all this little stuff adding up
to a sum so contradictory
maybe it will help me see
and start to understand what i'm afraid of
maybe it's love
or maybe it's just me

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

moving into the move without

somewhere along the way
long before the loneliness of the present day
somewhere buried in the subconscious, off into the distant
i held tight to the concept of love
in the context of marriage and commitment
even in the midst of understanding
that true love boiled down to nothing more than a choice
i saw this choice as a gift
unlike past views on this tall stature
my wandering mind
and the sexuality i was born with
and i made a point to use these natural things
to be the master of my heart strings
and all it seemed to attract were the unavailable,
unattainable broken minds
baring and sharing their broken wings
endless nights that led to mornings
mourning the less than enthusiastic attempts
of offering all that they could
despite my passion, my attraction
it was all adding up to the sum of no good
and why should it
what did i expect
being the all-star rookie
always on deck
ready and willing with a signed check
for the price of my heart
that turned out to be the price of my neck
then the evening came when i thought i'd hit a home run
then all the bright lights burned out
before any chance of this love had begun
turns out she had to build up her tolerance for loving words
honor and respect
trying to trust the combination of actions and words
became more than a little suspect
so it just seemed easier to project
suggestions that it was my heart that was a little incorrect
it was time to move on and disconnect
from the game
I thought I could win it back but lost it all just the same
and at the end of the day
neither one of us stands to hold the blame
to me you simply became
the forbidden fruit
you did you and i followed suit
ended up at the point where the concept of love
had become the very definition of moot
which in fact means an arguable sentiment
and i hate to argue
so i guess it's no wonder i was never good at it
i got introspective, pulled some books from off the shelf
thought for a minute that maybe all along it was me
that wasn't loving myself
but upon further inspection
detection of endless arguments strewn across my mind
in fact painted a different picture
a scenery of hope and struggle, all in one
honoring love as it's prominent fixture
carrying now the question and answer
with fluid motion I'm moving into the move without
i swallow my pride
take the tears that i've cried
and let it wash away any remnants of doubt
hold true that time and traction will pave this grave
as i turn my back and let it be
until any thought of then, any thought of you
will become nothing more than a distant memory

Sunday, September 12, 2010

X marks the spot

a momentary lapse of intentional intimidation
was all the confirmation
i needed
it repeated and left me lost for the words
that i typically swirl and ponder in preparation
of poetic paragraphs
that force my memory and emotion to last
far beyond what i assume to be the recommended daily dose
i came close that night, but missed the X that marked the spot
one more failure to add to the list, it was getting long now
longer than the days felt
which seemed impossible
but it kept on growing, while the minute and second hands continued to move in reverse
leaving me no time to rehearse my lines, it was showtime
the curtain rose, stage fright, spot light
fear and humiliation exposed
anxiety and panic sat in the front row, loneliness and terror on either side
they began their critique
turned off the lights and challenged my mind to a race
winner takes all, the buried treasure, X marks the spot
the same spot that I missed
looking back i suppose X wasn't the target after all was said and done
the partners in question still question my resillience
use doubt to convince me otherwise
i haven't lost yet, which some may consider or even count as a safe bet
but the set of re-building blocks that believe that to be true
still get their daily breakdown
to be torn up and broken apart
by the wrecking ball that broke my faith and broke my heart
picking up the pile of pieces and rubble consumes me now, tangles
me and my stomach in the same crippling knot
tethered by memories that i bury
under the X that marks the spot

Friday, September 10, 2010

All these questions

i split my passion and rationale in two
in hopes of making it through
making sense and make do
of the leftover pieces of me and you

black and white images that make up our past
paralleled smiles and emotional contrast
all caught within a flash
a kiss and a touch we never thought would be our last
both feeling the shards and shattered glass
of the half empty cup
we dropped and put out with yesterdays trash

but only now with physical distance in between
can my heart begin to grasp
what distance for you and I would really mean
anxiety intervenes
on this unfamiliar scene
of the crumbling black and white images strewn just for show
and the ambiguous gray emotion hidden just below
held tight in a question mark of 
a true love I will never know

and as this question mark starts pressing
when comfort and routine start digressing
its my heart that starts confessing
while my mind ends with second guessing
every move that I make
for its own comfortable sake
embedded memories of the past don't realize the toll they take
on motionless feet
terrified to make another mistake

praying they never will
unaware the first mistake has already been made
by those feet that simply stand still
forward movement is most important now
no matter direction or destination

time, trust, belief and action will serve as your
North, South, East and West
it is your hearts compass that knows you best
who's only interest
is in keeping you focused
on the questions
rather than the answers to life's test
reminds you just keep moving
while the universe takes care of the rest

Monday, September 6, 2010

back to the start

no need to take it easy
no need to be hostile
though the skin that outlines
this profile
may be fragile
we both take our turn to walk each mile
of directionless circles and straight lines
hoping for clarity
though knowing it's rarity
in the emotional parody
of sustained sinserity
until my only familiraity
becomes the solemn vow i've now taken with solidarity
i let it carry me
through this uncharted territory
privately praying it drops me
and breaks my body apart
sticks and stones
can break these bones
and will still feel better than this broken heart
lets go back to the start
when the art that we created
was far greater
than any issue we ever debated
traded thoughts
deep emotions contemplated
were gifts regardless of outcome
or opinion stated
we tried
now we've waited
push came to shove
and now your gonna tell me it's love
thats overrated?
my mixed assumptions
got wrapped up in your mixed emotions
i wanted to race
through the thrill of the chase
but let you set the pace
you were different
so was i
and now it all rests in the same place
in case you weren't sure
somehow didn't see
it's dirty, it's scary
uncertain and unfair
but it's still just you and me

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

how beautiful love could be

The following poem began with a person in mind and ended with the universal love I've been working to show myself along with all those in the world.  Read closely....and you just may find a fragment of yourself to dive into but more importantly...you may just find the love that surrounds you.  

how beautiful love could be
given to you and given to me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes years to know what love is
dreams that were made of this
emotion that lives above this
earthly tension and time
feelin like the victim
of a victimless crime
when you fall at your prime
in the sublime
of love
it’s love

how beautiful love could be
between everything that is you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

it’s love
that has the power to patrol
your soul
the vision of your goal
and roll
that tiny half into a whole
love is that one feeling
one of the best
through no contest
while your heart caters to every request
of that one special guest
that lies and rests
heavy on your chest
it’s love

how beautiful love could be
for everything that surrounds you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

it takes two in this one on one romance
perhaps one dance
perhaps one chance
to advance
these two hearts
with one glance
adding the one and the two
that enhance
the debut
that grew
these two
lovers into
one true
It’s love.

how beautiful love could be
with the open heart and the open mind of you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

and love gets crazy now and then
during those moments when
moments of communication again and again
become fragments of the misunderstood
offensive reactions, overriding any intention for good
the very moment that could
bring us back to the love-filled moment where we once stood

how beautiful love could be
whatever that means for you and me
take a chance and you will see
just how beautiful love could be...

Friday, August 13, 2010

In the End

under every moment of unrest 
I sit, smoking under the night sky
grasping to some resemblance of the past by
replaying patterns and traditions that lie
just below the surface.
the momentary comfort to cure this
feeling of unsettled illusion
the very thoughts and conclusions
i’ve been creating a trail away from...

without a map
and wandering
anxiously pondering
the patterns of love
shaped by preceding footprints
of battered and broken soles
that had no direction in the first place
i feel my heart race

mimicking soles of an unsteady pace
praying to god to replace
the unsteady rhythm with a simpler
steadier beat
one that i can repeat
in my mind
making the memorization of lessons learned
and heartaches earned
nothing more than a memory of the past

how to make it last?
questions and answers
that bring no ease to this wandering disposition
nor ever expectant of
this thing you call love....
it’s starting to make sense
for now, only in past tense
but discovering my ability to use it as a reference
rather than defense
is the direction thats starting to light my way
illuminated by this love from the past
that unknowingly, already guided me halfway
through realities of love lost
and love that defines love that never goes away
sometimes only realized through momentary disconnection
when the heart is free and clear
sometimes then and only then...can a love that deep and unconditional

so i say now, you make it last through the laughter and the tears
you feel it to your core when you accept the beauty of what is and release all the irrational fears
it’s you and only you
and all the love that surrounds
it is your comfort, your protector and your best friend
and as far as I can tell
it will forever carry you through your journey
every moment, just waiting to lay
and rest with you in the end

Hey Little Girl

Hey little girl
I thought I’d drop by
To say hi
Cause I know I just don’t do it enough
I know that during the moments in my life that I’ve considered tough
I needed to consider you my diamond in the rough
To call my bluff
And help me replay
Every night and every day
Every moment that forced a piece of my heart and mind to stay
Locked inside the creation of these unprocessed feelings
I now only know how to hold at bay
If only I had known
If I only knew now how to replace my bad habits for more time with you
Maybe I’d have a little more clarity on how exactly to move through
These quick sand moments, have some faith to renew
I’d know how to act/what to do
How to unhinge the lies, projected through these eyes
And have the strength to face what is true
Have the strength to face you
Little girl

Yeah I think we should spend some time catching up
I’ll help you remember your innocence
If you help me grow up
I’ll guide you, steer you clear of experience you’re not ready to see
If you’ll hold my hand, while I stand
To face the reality of me
I’ll help you realize that little girl you always wanted to be
So I can finally embrace that little girl, and let her go free
I’ll be that friend you needed to find
To understand that overly curious mind
So you can be the friend I need to breakdown
The walls of insecurities I hide behind
And when you get anxious
I’ll be there to remind
You to slow down, you’ve got time
Cause no one knows
What the future holds
And I’ll let you speak the universal truth our heart has always told
To live love
And simply trust what unfolds

I’ll assure you that loving another is not
The only reason for you to live
So you can assure me that loving another
Is not solely based on only what I have to give
And we’ll learn together that loving yourself and loving another
Are plain and simply, not mutually exclusive

We’ll move in slow motion and rewind back to the start
Taking time apart
Uncovering the broken places where you needed my mind
To understand and where I needed your heart
I’ll let you do all the things I’m scared to do
I’ll take notes and won’t be scared to try
I’ll accept all the parts of you that I work so hard to deny
We’ll open your arms to vulnerability
While we kiss my pride good-bye
We’ll take turns watching the other play
Letting each other cry
We’ll face that oh so scary question why
With an even scarier question of why…not

Why not you and I take time to relax, reflect and discuss
On how to heal you, how to heal me
To make a better us
To make better
Whatever we’re meant to be for this world
I’m exposed, ready to be sized up
And broken down
By you little girl

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The One...The Only....Lily Allen

So, if you haven't had the time, couldn't find the time, or just won't take the time to revel the in the eclectic melody, soothing vocal and sarcastic lyrical genius of Lily Allen...well then...I guess you haven't heard her music.

Ms. Allen brings such a deliciously different (different meaning talented and honest) feel to the music industry. She's playful yet deep, sexy while adorable, honest yet complicated. All of her songs are worth a listen in order to dig their very own, unique personality. I recommend listening while reading the lyrics as well.

Here is one that I'm currently diggin in a big way: The Fear

And in case you'd like to read along, here are the lyrics:

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous.
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Monday, March 8, 2010

They Say

So I've been trying to write a poem for some time now around the concept of the things that "They" say. And I'm confident everyone knows what I'm talking about here because we've all been in conversations where someone (quite possibly ourselves) offers up what they consider to be and we accept as, a profound bit of wisdom solely based on the fact that it is something that "They say." "Well, you know what THEY say." "That's what they say!" "I heard them say..."

And frankly, all attempts to transform my frustration with the things that "They say," or rather our unabated acceptance and proclamation of the things that "They say", into magical metaphors flowing in a tight rhyme scheme have amounted to one big fail. So after all the wondering and wandering I've done around the origin and use of this awful and overused phrase, I realized that I wasn't so much interested in why we refer to the things that "They say" so much as I needed to know who the hell "They" were. Who are these mysterious "They" people? And how did “They” become the all knowing beings of the universe? Are we talking about God here? Because if we are, I'd really just rather you say that. I'm not saying I'd be more likely to believe you just because you told me that God says so. I'm a big gay lesbian, so clearly I wouldn’t believe you. I would however feel much more comfortable sloughing you and your sentiments off as crazy religious ramble rather than pondering for hours about who the hell "They" are and if I really need to be paying attention here.

So from now on...how bout we just stick reciting facts or quotes or statistics from actual sources as opposed to the unidentified "They." I have a feeling you’ll sound a lot more credible to whomever you’re speaking with.

Aaaand....We're Back

Well that was quite the blogging break! It is true that my original intention for the site was to post selected poetry I'd written or perhaps more accurately, the "Meditation of my Heart." But then I realized my attention span never last more than a month or so on any one project or hobbie I take on. I actually have to say I'm rather proud of my commitment to this site while it lasted.

But rather than just let this blog sit here and collect dust, I thought I'd go ahead and fill it with some random thoughts, experiences, videos, questions and perhaps even some more poetry at some point for all to enjoy. So....I'm going to do my best to write at least one post everyday. I may just write about how much I don't want to write and well, you'll just have to deal with that.

So with that I invite you to sit back, relax and enjoy the blog.

Word to big bird.