this is only a test

I finally realized that you were simply testing me
and from where I stand now
I’m convinced that all of this has been the best for me...
even though it hurts like hell

and as far as I can tell
your days, along with mine go on
laced with footprints of
irresponsible words and actions
we both never meant to impart
manifested from a punctured
and bleeding start

your confidence was convincing
your actions were different
so I started thinking differently
you marched me down
one by one
while I padded every step
with frequent conversations
check-ins
and cool downs
all my attempts to try and be smart

and I could write now
about a broken heart
but your memory feels more like an illness of sorts
a bad infection
disguised as promise of intention
that got under my skin
and started to take hold
before we could even begin
any concept
any prospect
of you and me

and I realize now
amidst the irony of it all
that this illness
was the very thing that saved me
from you….
and I’m working on your memory now

and once I rid my stagnant reflection of
the color of your eyes,
the sound of your voice
and regain some sign of the courage I once possessed
I’ll remind myself everyday that you,
just like every other
were simply a test