What Are We Fighting For?

It’s recently occurred to me, through many days and nights devoted to my own internal reconnaissance that perhaps love, intimate love that is….relationship love….is not necessarily worth fighting for. Or even more succinctly put, was never meant to be fought for in the first place. I don’t mean that in any dire straights manner as if to say “I’ve completely lost hope and given up on love” but I suppose I don’t quite mean the opposite of that either, as if to say “I’m blissfully optimistic that true love is and will forever be a possibility.” My point here more focuses on the “fight” we often put up for love. I just don’t think I believe in “fighting” for love and here is why:

To fight for something ultimately implies two truths: 1) you face some barrier/obstacle/struggle between you and what you’re fighting for and 2) that you are attempting to gain something…perhaps control of something, ownership of something, etc. Those two truths, when applied to love, in my mind, just don’t make sense. 1) If you face barriers/obstacles/struggles to be with someone you love…to create an intimate relationship with that person, I would have to ask one question…why all the barriers? Perhaps it’s timing? Perhaps it’s just not meant to be right now? Or at all? And of course the concept of “meant to be” should be covered in an entirely different blog. But if we can honestly ask ourselves “why is it just so hard,” we might find a sense of calm in the realization that it shouldn’t be that hard. It doesn’t have to be that hard. Fighting the universe in a sense…doing something that doesn’t feel good or even worse, feels unnatural, wouldn’t seem to amount to anything worth fighting for in the end anyway right? The barriers and obstacles are there for whatever reason and attempting to fight them, in my opinion, will only end up hindering the very relationship you’re after.

And the second truth is one that pretty much seals the deal for me. This idea of ownership that we (as a people all over the world) have come to love so much is the very thing that destroys most relationships…again, in my opinion. Sayings such as “you’re MY one and only,” “you’re MY girlfriend/boyfriend,” “I can’t wait to make you MINE,” have completely falsified the idea of commitment within a romantic relationship. The mere fact that we as human beings could be arrogant enough (all through things we’ve learned over time) to think that we actually “own” ANYTHING, let alone another person is absurd to me. And yet the semantics of our “relationship language” consistently dance around this concept of what we “have,” what is “ours,” and what is all “mine” forever and ever AMEN!!! Bullshit. We don’t own shit. We don’t even own our own bodies! We’re simply renting it out for the time we have on Earth and yes, have the freedom to do with it what we want…but ultimately don’t own it.

Accepting this lack of ownership offers a level of comfort and relief along with a devastating pain and discomfort when it comes to intimate relationships. The pain and discomfort comes from the long history of learned behavior based around the concept of “ownership” and the desire to still want to try and “own” things. But I feel a sense of comfort knowing that if I simply stop trying to “own” someone as “mine” or define what “we” are…that I am able to just be…and in turn, be in the presence of others whom I allow to just be. And that….to me…that sounds like the healthiest starting point for any relationship.

I won’t fight anymore. I’ll allow myself to just be….

For You

on this lonely night,
smoke rings fill the air

like thoughts of you fill my mind

what can be done about the untouchable

figment of my imagination that seems too real

to ever let go of

to let float back into this unforgivable universe?

with hands tied behind my back

and blind eyes leading my footsteps

i guess at the trail that lies ahead of me

and trust that the bounding trees of the redwood

won't get in my way

but rather, surround us on that unforgettable day

of you and i

you and i baby,

you and i....

my thoughts get tangled in circumstantial words

and bound by influential perceptions

of denying eyes

but then, perhaps that's a good thing

for i could never be arrogant enough to assume that

your eyes

and my heart are connecting

for all i know its my presence alone

that you're rejecting

and that's fine.

all i need you to hear are my words that speak the following:

you, all of you

your heart, your eyes,

your body, your being,

your presence,

your essence,

is more than much of this world will ever fully grasp

and understand

in the most beautifully tragic sense

but for me....

to me....

you are everything i want and can never have

you are the spirit of the earth

that pulls me from my deepest nightmares

and into my most beautiful dreams

you are what i know to be...

what God himself...

created for me.

I love you

Habit (21 Lines)

1. I’ve got 21 lines to become a habit
2. you won’t want to break
3. so let me break it down for you like this
4. my love, I dream about your lips, your smile
5. pressed against mine. I dream about time
6. transferred from thoughts of you
7. to time beside you, inside you, time that takes 21 lines
8. to slide into the future of me and you. Because let’s be honest, you –
9. you carve one solid line across my chest in a language that I don’t speak and you got me
10. you got me wrapped around your finger. So I’ll take your 20 leftover lines, add ‘em to mine
11. and perhaps double my chances to wrap myself around your energy,
12. your essence, your presence that invades my daydreams
13. and seems to fire me up and cool me down all in the same thought.
14. It’s now become a responsibility of mine
15. to attempt to write myself out of these 21 lines
16. and into your heart. A responsibility I’ve been dying to take on cause you
17. you’re the one that stays on my mind and keeps me alive. A stunning and terrifying thought.
18. a thought that reflects off the moon when I look into your eyes. My love,
19. my muse, try not to confuse these lines with anything more than a wish,
20. 21 complicated thoughts that surround a desire, a response to some kind of sign
21. pointing in your direction, 21 times, in hopes to become your habit, in 21 lines.

"Her"

“Her”
It was the essence of "her"
the mere presence of "her"
that prompted my vacillation
to provide a solid explanation
in my lines
when i began receiving signs
of all kinds
that my minds
eye, had been lookin in a new direction
with a brand new process of selection
for love and affection
and with my heart and soul showing no objection
i allowed these feelings to invade
but still with my words no effort was made
for homage in rhyme to her was never paid

because back then
was when
fear of perception was what held my pen
from others looking in
and even from the glare of my own eyes
my passion became something i had to fictionalize
and by no surprise
my words had formed stories i couldn't begin to recognize

can you imagine something so absurd
poems lost and hesitation incurred
allowing my voice to be bound and gird
by the fear of using one 3 letter word
it was "her" i was dying to say
with "her" i wanted to spend my day
"her" was who i wanted to stay
all the while telling myself if was they
they that stood in my way
battled to no end
because they couldn't comprehend
the reason i had to pretend
that "her" was NOT my godsend
that "her" was NOT the one to mend
the pieces of my shattered body and broken soul
that "her" was the one I couldn't openly extol
feelings with which THEY couldn't understand and i couldn't control
hidden feelings that began to take their toll
a point at which i could no longer console
and had to disagree
with my frustrated vision of the ones i could see
and i realized i needed to move that finger 180 degrees
cause clearly the only one standing in my way was me

i had always been free
to make my choice
to give my feelings for "her" a voice
allowing my words to form a confession
to show my obsession
through my own form of expression
that "her" had become the center of my being
inside "her" was where i was fleeing
that "her" was all I was really seeing
it was "her"
my words now form for "her"

Spilled Milk

Writer, poet, and word-smith extraordinaire Yolanda Williams has created a masterpiece entitled "Spilled Milk" that should be viewed by all.  Yolanda paints an incredible picture of progression and emotion that will quickly immerse all who read.  For those who have ever searched for, found, questioned and reveled in the feeling of love, this book will take you to all those places and back.  For those who have a need for words that envelop, challenge and ease all at the same time, this book is exactly what you're looking for.