halfway

we’d made it halfway
and considering the source
it only made sense that halfway
could be the end

half of our beginning
would never realistically amount to anything more than
half of a promise
that was never made

you simply asked if I wanted to trade
the life I’d been living
for everything you were giving
which amounted to all of…
nothing
or so you thought

so I slid halfway into your
double sided lexicon
and studied every word behind your eyes
that asked me to stay
and move on
to lay
and be gone
to play
while you won
the half of me that was no longer holding on
or so I thought

I suppose it’s possible for these
two broken halves
to make a whole
an outcome that only time
and understanding will know

so until then
im watching half of what you do
and listening to half of what you say
to keep my heart protected
in the event that we only make it
halfway

where do we go from here

after the little things 

melted hearts into magical fingertips

i want to know...

where do we go from here

i feel the universe pulling me home

but you're still holding onto my heart

so i want to know....

where do we go from here

times we laid together

played together

injected each other with sentiments

of past times

and future endeavors

are falling out of my pockets 

along with my loose change

and i want to know....

where do we go from here

the patterns that were woven

to cover our lazy afternoons

and shelter us from the harsh reality

of questions and comments

confused eyes and nonsense

have become divided pieces of fabric

that could cover no more than the spot on my cheek

where you would kiss me

and i want to know....

where do we go from here

i'm not so much expecting an answer from you

or from me

or even the earth for that matter

i guess that's not what really matters to me anyway

i just want to know that we're going to be okay

that possible misinterpretations or time needed to heal

will not get in our way

that truly is the only thing i fear

so i really just want to know...

where do we go from here

this is only a test

I finally realized that you were simply testing me
and from where I stand now
I’m convinced that all of this has been the best for me...
even though it hurts like hell

and as far as I can tell
your days, along with mine go on
laced with footprints of
irresponsible words and actions
we both never meant to impart
manifested from a punctured
and bleeding start

your confidence was convincing
your actions were different
so I started thinking differently
you marched me down
one by one
while I padded every step
with frequent conversations
check-ins
and cool downs
all my attempts to try and be smart

and I could write now
about a broken heart
but your memory feels more like an illness of sorts
a bad infection
disguised as promise of intention
that got under my skin
and started to take hold
before we could even begin
any concept
any prospect
of you and me

and I realize now
amidst the irony of it all
that this illness
was the very thing that saved me
from you….
and I’m working on your memory now

and once I rid my stagnant reflection of
the color of your eyes,
the sound of your voice
and regain some sign of the courage I once possessed
I’ll remind myself everyday that you,
just like every other
were simply a test

fear you won't fall...

(inspired by the lyrics of Joshua Radin's "Fear you won't fall")

take a guess at what you see
tell me what you determine and define….
cause honestly at this point
your guess is as good as mine

interpret these words
and decipher these codes
offer me some meaning
behind these empty odes

reenact this cycle you’ve seen
played out before your eyes
dance every step
of this friendly romance
and then please, advise!

see if you can make sense
out of these senseless actions
and set my heart at ease
give me the wisdom of your outside perspective
for my protection, please!

I’m walking hand in hand
with a divided love
holding the hand that just isn’t sure
yearning for the one that wants it all
but I guess part of the fear of falling in love…
is the fear that you won’t fall.

i know where i belong

we’d been slow dancing around the issue
for quite some time now….
bodies confused
and minds trembling

we’d lost the rulebook
or perhaps tossed it out the window
long ago
and whether it flew out her window or mine
is pointless to ponder now

we were both a long way off from any real
solid answer
understanding
comfort….
and it was comfortable

but the mind blows in
in it’s careless fashion
through heartfelt windows and doors
windows and doors
that once allowed vibrant beams of life to shine through
are now dirtied with emotional
fearful
“what if”
debris
dirtying up my floors

and as the dust settles
and coats this floor
from wall to wall
with it’s remnants of heartbreak
I notice a thick
abstract line
drawn deep through the middle
putting you on your side
and me on mine

decisions have been made
and lines have been drawn
its safe to say now
I know where I belong….
I know my love….
where I belong

It's All About Timing

the love/hate/tolerating relationship we harbor with time
wanting more time
of the good times
and more space and time
between the bad times
theres never enough time
things take too much time
we have the time of our lives
the time we want to always last
followed by our darkest
lowest times
the time that never seems to pass
fast…
enough

we spend time complaining
about everything that fills our time
while simultaneously investing our time
in less
stress times
quiet
and centered times
healthy
and unfettered times
in hopes of living the longest time
just to spend more time
complaining about our short lived
never ending time

it’s all about timing

we lose time
getting lost in time
we waste time
getting wasted in time
we want time to ourselves
to crave someone elses time
just to want more time for ourselves
only to end up in those oh so lonely times.

we try to time our timing
for the right time
just to be told
at this point and time...
well it’s just bad timing
and the sparks of the irreplaceable first time
fizzle with the realization
that the timing of this relation
is heading for the destination
of timed heartbreaks and hesitations
translucent transformations
of time well spent
to wasted time

it’s all about timing

and as time begins to pass
we realize that any time
could be our last
so we grip to times of the past
to lessons learned and love that lasts
time goes fast...
so we go faster
in the oxymoronic
cyclical
never ending
never winnable
race against time
round and round we go
one time
two times
three times
time runs wild
in a myriad of numbers
controlled by minute
and hour hands
that tell time
or rather tell us
we’re losing time
when all of sudden time stands still...

we grow ill
staring at the body of an old timer
weak and weary
our eyes grow teary
with the apprehension that our time has come to an end
only to begin
our time again
in some other
unknown time
continuing the love/hate/tolerating relationship we harbor with time

it’s all about timing

What Are We Fighting For?

It’s recently occurred to me, through many days and nights devoted to my own internal reconnaissance that perhaps love, intimate love that is….relationship love….is not necessarily worth fighting for. Or even more succinctly put, was never meant to be fought for in the first place. I don’t mean that in any dire straights manner as if to say “I’ve completely lost hope and given up on love” but I suppose I don’t quite mean the opposite of that either, as if to say “I’m blissfully optimistic that true love is and will forever be a possibility.” My point here more focuses on the “fight” we often put up for love. I just don’t think I believe in “fighting” for love and here is why:

To fight for something ultimately implies two truths: 1) you face some barrier/obstacle/struggle between you and what you’re fighting for and 2) that you are attempting to gain something…perhaps control of something, ownership of something, etc. Those two truths, when applied to love, in my mind, just don’t make sense. 1) If you face barriers/obstacles/struggles to be with someone you love…to create an intimate relationship with that person, I would have to ask one question…why all the barriers? Perhaps it’s timing? Perhaps it’s just not meant to be right now? Or at all? And of course the concept of “meant to be” should be covered in an entirely different blog. But if we can honestly ask ourselves “why is it just so hard,” we might find a sense of calm in the realization that it shouldn’t be that hard. It doesn’t have to be that hard. Fighting the universe in a sense…doing something that doesn’t feel good or even worse, feels unnatural, wouldn’t seem to amount to anything worth fighting for in the end anyway right? The barriers and obstacles are there for whatever reason and attempting to fight them, in my opinion, will only end up hindering the very relationship you’re after.

And the second truth is one that pretty much seals the deal for me. This idea of ownership that we (as a people all over the world) have come to love so much is the very thing that destroys most relationships…again, in my opinion. Sayings such as “you’re MY one and only,” “you’re MY girlfriend/boyfriend,” “I can’t wait to make you MINE,” have completely falsified the idea of commitment within a romantic relationship. The mere fact that we as human beings could be arrogant enough (all through things we’ve learned over time) to think that we actually “own” ANYTHING, let alone another person is absurd to me. And yet the semantics of our “relationship language” consistently dance around this concept of what we “have,” what is “ours,” and what is all “mine” forever and ever AMEN!!! Bullshit. We don’t own shit. We don’t even own our own bodies! We’re simply renting it out for the time we have on Earth and yes, have the freedom to do with it what we want…but ultimately don’t own it.

Accepting this lack of ownership offers a level of comfort and relief along with a devastating pain and discomfort when it comes to intimate relationships. The pain and discomfort comes from the long history of learned behavior based around the concept of “ownership” and the desire to still want to try and “own” things. But I feel a sense of comfort knowing that if I simply stop trying to “own” someone as “mine” or define what “we” are…that I am able to just be…and in turn, be in the presence of others whom I allow to just be. And that….to me…that sounds like the healthiest starting point for any relationship.

I won’t fight anymore. I’ll allow myself to just be….

Tunnel of Words

i’ve been wondering down this tunnel
of fantasy laden words
with intense devotion
peeling off the walls
and piecing together
a commotion
of powerful paragraphs
full of fabricated emotion
with little or no notion
of exactly what…
i was creating

I pressed on
in my idealistic
inexperienced fashion
blinded by pure passion
peeling and piecing
with my original intensity
never looking back to see
how the words behind me
were starting to define me
confine me
realign me
to the lines that led me down a stray path
hoping never again to find me…
those words became my past

but those words of the past
cared little
and came back
fast
to cast
their repercussions
and forged my signature on a contract
of contrast
between those very words
and my future paragraphs

and rather than balancing securely
on the walls as they once did
awaiting my careful selection
I’m now watching these words
create their own collection
of misdirection
carefully laying themselves
section
by section
on the path in front of me
feeding me into a future of
false perception
and rejection
foreshadowing crippled connections
of emotionless affection
with no opportunity for correction…
I’m speechless

all I have now are these words
and I’m speechless
nothing to describe my ups, downs and u-turns…
I’m directionless
absent of love, hate, frustration, trepidation…
I’m emotionless

less the emotion I once harbored
in my feet
leading me my own way
as I preferred
I’m blank…
I’m speechless…
trapped now
in this tunnel of words