now (for a friend)

possibly

I meant to see it through to the end

perhaps

I should have trusted you to be my friend

suppose now

that I somehow

know how

to create for you and me

that reality

imagine the ability

to create such possibility

and to see the responsibility

piled upon perfect imperfections

crumble to invisibility

I try diligently

to figure out who will it be…

which one of us

is going to state the obvious

I try to conceive now

the very direction we’re going

though my heart  can only believe now

theres no possible way of knowing

so all that I see now

behind your eyes and beneath the coding

is that its time to trust me now

and move beyond these memories that I’ve been holding

beyond a chase

beyond a goal

the means and the end

forever

is a long endeavor

that feels less like fighting for

without you friend

but I’ve become a champion at waiting

tabling the knots of my tied up heart strings

malingering in the meantime

dancing through daydreams

that every sleepless night brings

watching the way that my heart clings

to the clatter that makes my ears ring

to the words that my angles of fear sing

hopeless romantics, without wonder

without wings

and no expectation for all the silly things

I’ve planned for

they’ve no longer become what I stand for

i’m sitting down now

sitting to just be now

able to see

whats before me now

two sets of hands holding locks with no key now

and yet I still can’t seem to agree

with the reality that I see now

but I had my chance

and perhaps through happenstance

i’ve finally become free now

it’s all no longer up to me….now

living life to the fullest

living life to the fullest

somewhere, somehow

through a downward spiral

of thoughtful consciousness progress

began to shed it’s mindless, originating

context

complex and full of heart pounding

alarms sounding

the end of a day,

a minute

a second

constantly calculating the life lived in the seconds that passed

trying to right the wrongs before the next second should pass

cause it could be the last

forcing us to act fast

to make that second count, make it last

hurried in a flurried

unfocused frenzy

of a race against the clock now

surface sentiments passed through generations

from the top down

burning out, refocusing

and drawing it to a stop now

is no longer a preference or opinion

it’s all that we’ve got now

the required revision

given

to the well intended definition

of life to the fullest

we all ought to be livin

so we take some steps back

to get a better view

of the factual fragments that define full

varying from life to life

from me to you

and find the one common clue

that life lived to the fullest

embraces every moment it lived through

the highs, the lows

the black and the blue

white lies you held on to

broken hearts that laid on you

projected fears driven in you

peer pressure given into

a milestone 

a breakthrough

dreams that slipped through finger tips

and the ones they held onto

saw follow through

lies minds convinced bodies to be  true

open hearts and eyes reminding the body

of everything it already knew to be true

the hurt a life will never undo

the love a life will forever shine through

living life to the fullest is embracing

the wars we’ve won

the lessons we’ve learned

and everything in between

seeing the beauty in ugly

the spontaneity in routine

the moment cognitive knowledge

transfers to the emotion

and we fully understand what it means

to live every moment of this life to the fullest

living in our reality

the life we always pictured in our dreams

action vs. intention

I used to worry about my actions

that was until I found out about intention

the wonderful “get out of jail free” card

the word thats come to mean

“acceptance of

expectant of

blatant disregard”

its become our licensed learned behavior

positive proof that we’re just not paying attention

displaying next to our height and weight

that  we’re just too scared to mention

the way that these indolent intentions

have taken root from their ascension

into this world of open and closed

minded comprehension

while they mix

and mingle

with feeble fractions

of dangerous distractions

until they become nothing more

than a heartless reaction

to the same…

but different

intended action

and I have to know

have to ask the question

when did

actions intended

replace any actual action extended

or even worse

become a reasonable excuse that defended

the contradictory convictions suspended

inside the very action impended

see I’m confused

or maybe just don’t get it

intentions have taken the lead

while actions simply aid and abet it

with a “baby, I’m sorry, I regret it”

“how can you think I don’t love you

after all the times I’ve said it?”

a point at which

intended angry hearts

turn to the mind to let it

tuck away angry reactions

until the only reasonable action left

is to simply forget it

we forget and erase

that any action ever took place

so soundly convinced by the

intent look on the offenders face

the foreign body language that we loath yet embrace

with our very own misrepresented intention

allowing empty word games

to infiltrate and attack

unleashing fully loaded rhetoric

with the same impact

the very action itself lacked

all designed to distract

defensive actions still intact

from the exact

very matter of the fact…

the motherfuckin act

perhaps certain circumstances

require a deeper investigation

some consideration of intent

behind the action based offense

to justify the determination

of consequence

but to me it doesn’t seem to make sense

the apparent assignment of pretense

rationalizing the action

based solely on intent

when at the end of the day

an action is simply that

an action

without defense

hence

the very need for any reaction to commence…

seems like common sense

the act

the action

the commotion

the display

that berate

that betray

the intent filled words that we say

seem necessary to outweigh

the very intent that seeks out every ounce of self respect

as its prey

so lets pray

that the promise of yesterdays intent

will no longer outshine

the actions of today

balance and beauty

been trying to find that thin line

buried beneath the sand

that balance of fear and joy

that I hold in either hand

the balance of everything and nothing in particular

the balance of the love I have and love I chose to give to her

the juggling act my natural instincts don’t naturally prefer

the reaction transfer  

that naturally defer

to contextual emotion

with one fluid motion in time

outsourcing my mind to rhyme travel

endorsing the thoughts in each rhyme

sending me back and forth into the past and the distant

knowing the middle line, the balance I’m looking for

lives only in this particular instant

still never consistent

with the emotional overload

I so naturally seem to dwell in

I’m needing to move past the vast

habitual  behavior in order to excel in

sufficient change management of the surrounding day to day

the uncontrollable play

of a change of heart, a change of mind

completing the puzzle myself

when the other party involved only makes it halfway

knowing it’s okay

to serve myself in succession or even before any other

focusing on the happiness that defines me

rather than fulfilling the lost dreams of my mother

releasing the performance piece of me that smothers

every other side

I choose to hide

with the assumption that when revealed

they’ll be no love for her…

another step in the right direction

is all I’m looking and hoping for

another window unlatched

a slight crack in the door

to balance of fear and happiness

the glimpse of gray and the in between

the balance of everything I show and everything I am

the beauty of this person I’ve never seen

What is God

What is God?

I’m confident when I ask that question every mind and heart

Will start to pick apart such a question

While simultaneously making it their mission

To piece together a sufficient definition

A universal composition

Or perhaps their very own rendition

Of what God is

Every mind and heart may also get the impression

That by imposing such a question

That I’ve made the suggestion

Of offering my very own profession

Of what God is

Well, I can’t say that such conviction lay within these lines

But perhaps somewhere inside and around me

On every side and up above,

I carry the sneaky sense, the faithful belief

That God is in fact the very definition of love

And I’m sure this thought is nothing new

Simply something you all already knew

That this love that is God, God that is love

Is all around and inside each and every one of you

But here is my little twist to the mix

How many of you remember this:

That such an abundant and unconditional love is neither

Yours or mine to own

That such a pure and powerful love is only ever felt,

Ever truly known

When it is shown

Through all that we are

In flesh and bone

The rhythm our hearts beat

That keep that pace of love like a metronome

For every voice and every tone

Singing in church or at home

Belting a chorus in our cars

Or over a microphone

Love imbedded in simple reminders that we are never alone

The belief is the beginning

Action and intention the follow through

It’s what we say and how we say it

The ideas we hold strong to

The long list of things we want to do

And making them all come true

It’s moving into

The day when everyday this love makes another debut

And stands steady to remind you

That equally important as giving this love

Is having the confidence and conviction

To open up and start receiving

Letting it fill you

And keep you forever believing

That through the good and the bad

The ups and the downs

Through smiles and frowns

The tears, fears

Beautiful and frustrating moments that life brings

That the voice of God inside you always sings

Taking it all and rising above

Keeping you calm, cool and collected

In the abundant love that is God

And the God that is love

Just Me

i fear my time to light
may just take a bit longer than i'd planned
a longer distance from where i am
there's something about this grip around my throat
that doesn't seem to want to weaken or let go
its making me light-headed
headed down the wrong way of a one way street
away from me
my mind is aware but seems to have no control over
any complete steps directing my feet
to the point where i retreat and wonder
whoever thought it would take all this
tiny memories and thoughts to reminisce
that actually doesn't seem to add up to all that much
all that i'm made of
yet it breaks my spirit, my soul
and all my faith in love
all this little stuff adding up
to a sum so contradictory
maybe it will help me see
and start to understand what i'm afraid of
maybe it's love
or maybe it's just me

moving into the move without

somewhere along the way
long before the loneliness of the present day
somewhere buried in the subconscious, off into the distant
i held tight to the concept of love
in the context of marriage and commitment
even in the midst of understanding
that true love boiled down to nothing more than a choice
i saw this choice as a gift
unlike past views on this tall stature
my wandering mind
and the sexuality i was born with
and i made a point to use these natural things
to be the master of my heart strings
and all it seemed to attract were the unavailable,
unattainable broken minds
baring and sharing their broken wings
endless nights that led to mornings
mourning the less than enthusiastic attempts
of offering all that they could
despite my passion, my attraction
it was all adding up to the sum of no good
and why should it
what did i expect
being the all-star rookie
always on deck
ready and willing with a signed check
for the price of my heart
that turned out to be the price of my neck
then the evening came when i thought i'd hit a home run
then all the bright lights burned out
before any chance of this love had begun
turns out she had to build up her tolerance for loving words
honor and respect
trying to trust the combination of actions and words
became more than a little suspect
so it just seemed easier to project
suggestions that it was my heart that was a little incorrect
it was time to move on and disconnect
from the game
I thought I could win it back but lost it all just the same
and at the end of the day
neither one of us stands to hold the blame
to me you simply became
the forbidden fruit
you did you and i followed suit
ended up at the point where the concept of love
had become the very definition of moot
which in fact means an arguable sentiment
and i hate to argue
so i guess it's no wonder i was never good at it
i got introspective, pulled some books from off the shelf
thought for a minute that maybe all along it was me
that wasn't loving myself
but upon further inspection
detection of endless arguments strewn across my mind
in fact painted a different picture
a scenery of hope and struggle, all in one
honoring love as it's prominent fixture
carrying now the question and answer
with fluid motion I'm moving into the move without
i swallow my pride
take the tears that i've cried
and let it wash away any remnants of doubt
hold true that time and traction will pave this grave
as i turn my back and let it be
until any thought of then, any thought of you
will become nothing more than a distant memory

X marks the spot

a momentary lapse of intentional intimidation
was all the confirmation
i needed
it repeated and left me lost for the words
that i typically swirl and ponder in preparation
of poetic paragraphs
that force my memory and emotion to last
far beyond what i assume to be the recommended daily dose
i came close that night, but missed the X that marked the spot
one more failure to add to the list, it was getting long now
longer than the days felt
which seemed impossible
but it kept on growing, while the minute and second hands continued to move in reverse
leaving me no time to rehearse my lines, it was showtime
the curtain rose, stage fright, spot light
fear and humiliation exposed
anxiety and panic sat in the front row, loneliness and terror on either side
they began their critique
turned off the lights and challenged my mind to a race
winner takes all, the buried treasure, X marks the spot
the same spot that I missed
looking back i suppose X wasn't the target after all was said and done
the partners in question still question my resillience
use doubt to convince me otherwise
i haven't lost yet, which some may consider or even count as a safe bet
but the set of re-building blocks that believe that to be true
still get their daily breakdown
to be torn up and broken apart
by the wrecking ball that broke my faith and broke my heart
picking up the pile of pieces and rubble consumes me now, tangles
me and my stomach in the same crippling knot
tethered by memories that i bury
under the X that marks the spot

All these questions

i split my passion and rationale in two
in hopes of making it through
making sense and make do
of the leftover pieces of me and you

black and white images that make up our past
paralleled smiles and emotional contrast
all caught within a flash
a kiss and a touch we never thought would be our last
both feeling the shards and shattered glass
of the half empty cup
we dropped and put out with yesterdays trash

but only now with physical distance in between
can my heart begin to grasp
what distance for you and I would really mean
anxiety intervenes
on this unfamiliar scene
of the crumbling black and white images strewn just for show
and the ambiguous gray emotion hidden just below
held tight in a question mark of 
a true love I will never know

and as this question mark starts pressing
when comfort and routine start digressing
its my heart that starts confessing
while my mind ends with second guessing
every move that I make
for its own comfortable sake
embedded memories of the past don't realize the toll they take
on motionless feet
terrified to make another mistake

praying they never will
unaware the first mistake has already been made
by those feet that simply stand still
forward movement is most important now
no matter direction or destination

time, trust, belief and action will serve as your
North, South, East and West
it is your hearts compass that knows you best
who's only interest
is in keeping you focused
on the questions
rather than the answers to life's test
reminds you just keep moving
while the universe takes care of the rest

back to the start

no need to take it easy
no need to be hostile
though the skin that outlines
this profile
may be fragile
we both take our turn to walk each mile
of directionless circles and straight lines
hoping for clarity
though knowing it's rarity
in the emotional parody
of sustained sinserity
until my only familiraity
becomes the solemn vow i've now taken with solidarity
i let it carry me
through this uncharted territory
privately praying it drops me
and breaks my body apart
sticks and stones
can break these bones
and will still feel better than this broken heart
lets go back to the start
when the art that we created
was far greater
than any issue we ever debated
traded thoughts
deep emotions contemplated
were gifts regardless of outcome
or opinion stated
we tried
now we've waited
push came to shove
and now your gonna tell me it's love
thats overrated?
my mixed assumptions
got wrapped up in your mixed emotions
i wanted to race
through the thrill of the chase
but let you set the pace
you were different
so was i
and now it all rests in the same place
in case you weren't sure
somehow didn't see
it's dirty, it's scary
uncertain and unfair
but it's still just you and me

how beautiful love could be

The following poem began with a person in mind and ended with the universal love I've been working to show myself along with all those in the world.  Read closely....and you just may find a fragment of yourself to dive into but more importantly...you may just find the love that surrounds you.  


how beautiful love could be
given to you and given to me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes years to know what love is
dreams that were made of this
emotion that lives above this
earthly tension and time
feelin like the victim
of a victimless crime
when you fall at your prime
in the sublime
rhyme
of love
it’s love

how beautiful love could be
between everything that is you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see


it’s love
that has the power to patrol
your soul
control
the vision of your goal
and roll
that tiny half into a whole
love is that one feeling
one of the best
through no contest
while your heart caters to every request
of that one special guest
that lies and rests
heavy on your chest
it’s love

how beautiful love could be
for everything that surrounds you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

it takes two in this one on one romance
perhaps one dance
perhaps one chance
to advance
these two hearts
with one glance
adding the one and the two
that enhance
the debut
that grew
these two
lovers into
one true
love.
It’s love.

how beautiful love could be
with the open heart and the open mind of you and me
wrapping us up while settin us free
love becomes all we see

and love gets crazy now and then
during those moments when
moments of communication again and again
become fragments of the misunderstood
offensive reactions, overriding any intention for good
the very moment that could
bring us back to the love-filled moment where we once stood

how beautiful love could be
whatever that means for you and me
take a chance and you will see
just how beautiful love could be...

In the End

under every moment of unrest 
I sit, smoking under the night sky
grasping to some resemblance of the past by
replaying patterns and traditions that lie
just below the surface.
the momentary comfort to cure this
feeling of unsettled illusion
the very thoughts and conclusions
i’ve been creating a trail away from...

without a map
directionless
and wandering
anxiously pondering
the patterns of love
shaped by preceding footprints
of battered and broken soles
that had no direction in the first place
i feel my heart race

mimicking soles of an unsteady pace
praying to god to replace
the unsteady rhythm with a simpler
steadier beat
one that i can repeat
in my mind
making the memorization of lessons learned
and heartaches earned
nothing more than a memory of the past

how to make it last?
questions and answers
that bring no ease to this wandering disposition
nor ever expectant of
this thing you call love....
it’s starting to make sense
for now, only in past tense
but discovering my ability to use it as a reference
rather than defense
is the direction thats starting to light my way
illuminated by this love from the past
that unknowingly, already guided me halfway
through realities of love lost
and love that defines love that never goes away
sometimes only realized through momentary disconnection
when the heart is free and clear
sometimes then and only then...can a love that deep and unconditional
appear

so i say now, you make it last through the laughter and the tears
you feel it to your core when you accept the beauty of what is and release all the irrational fears
it’s you and only you
and all the love that surrounds
it is your comfort, your protector and your best friend
and as far as I can tell
it will forever carry you through your journey
every moment, just waiting to lay
and rest with you in the end

Hey Little Girl

Hey little girl
I thought I’d drop by
To say hi
Cause I know I just don’t do it enough
I know that during the moments in my life that I’ve considered tough
I needed to consider you my diamond in the rough
To call my bluff
And help me replay
Every night and every day
Every moment that forced a piece of my heart and mind to stay
Locked inside the creation of these unprocessed feelings
I now only know how to hold at bay
If only I had known
If I only knew now how to replace my bad habits for more time with you
Maybe I’d have a little more clarity on how exactly to move through
These quick sand moments, have some faith to renew
I’d know how to act/what to do
How to unhinge the lies, projected through these eyes
And have the strength to face what is true
Have the strength to face you
Little girl

Yeah I think we should spend some time catching up
I’ll help you remember your innocence
If you help me grow up
I’ll guide you, steer you clear of experience you’re not ready to see
If you’ll hold my hand, while I stand
To face the reality of me
I’ll help you realize that little girl you always wanted to be
So I can finally embrace that little girl, and let her go free
I’ll be that friend you needed to find
To understand that overly curious mind
So you can be the friend I need to breakdown
The walls of insecurities I hide behind
And when you get anxious
I’ll be there to remind
You to slow down, you’ve got time
Cause no one knows
What the future holds
And I’ll let you speak the universal truth our heart has always told
To live love
And simply trust what unfolds

I’ll assure you that loving another is not
The only reason for you to live
So you can assure me that loving another
Is not solely based on only what I have to give
And we’ll learn together that loving yourself and loving another
Are plain and simply, not mutually exclusive

We’ll move in slow motion and rewind back to the start
Taking time apart
Uncovering the broken places where you needed my mind
To understand and where I needed your heart
I’ll let you do all the things I’m scared to do
I’ll take notes and won’t be scared to try
I’ll accept all the parts of you that I work so hard to deny
We’ll open your arms to vulnerability
While we kiss my pride good-bye
We’ll take turns watching the other play
Letting each other cry
We’ll face that oh so scary question why
With an even scarier question of why…not

Why not you and I take time to relax, reflect and discuss
On how to heal you, how to heal me
To make a better us
To make better
Whatever we’re meant to be for this world
I’m exposed, ready to be sized up
And broken down
By you little girl

The One...The Only....Lily Allen

So, if you haven't had the time, couldn't find the time, or just won't take the time to revel the in the eclectic melody, soothing vocal and sarcastic lyrical genius of Lily Allen...well then...I guess you haven't heard her music.

Ms. Allen brings such a deliciously different (different meaning talented and honest) feel to the music industry. She's playful yet deep, sexy while adorable, honest yet complicated. All of her songs are worth a listen in order to dig their very own, unique personality. I recommend listening while reading the lyrics as well.

Here is one that I'm currently diggin in a big way: The Fear

And in case you'd like to read along, here are the lyrics:

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous.
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

They Say

So I've been trying to write a poem for some time now around the concept of the things that "They" say. And I'm confident everyone knows what I'm talking about here because we've all been in conversations where someone (quite possibly ourselves) offers up what they consider to be and we accept as, a profound bit of wisdom solely based on the fact that it is something that "They say." "Well, you know what THEY say." "That's what they say!" "I heard them say..."


And frankly, all attempts to transform my frustration with the things that "They say," or rather our unabated acceptance and proclamation of the things that "They say", into magical metaphors flowing in a tight rhyme scheme have amounted to one big fail. So after all the wondering and wandering I've done around the origin and use of this awful and overused phrase, I realized that I wasn't so much interested in why we refer to the things that "They say" so much as I needed to know who the hell "They" were. Who are these mysterious "They" people? And how did “They” become the all knowing beings of the universe? Are we talking about God here? Because if we are, I'd really just rather you say that. I'm not saying I'd be more likely to believe you just because you told me that God says so. I'm a big gay lesbian, so clearly I wouldn’t believe you. I would however feel much more comfortable sloughing you and your sentiments off as crazy religious ramble rather than pondering for hours about who the hell "They" are and if I really need to be paying attention here.

So from now on...how bout we just stick reciting facts or quotes or statistics from actual sources as opposed to the unidentified "They." I have a feeling you’ll sound a lot more credible to whomever you’re speaking with.

Aaaand....We're Back

Well that was quite the blogging break! It is true that my original intention for the site was to post selected poetry I'd written or perhaps more accurately, the "Meditation of my Heart." But then I realized my attention span never last more than a month or so on any one project or hobbie I take on. I actually have to say I'm rather proud of my commitment to this site while it lasted.



But rather than just let this blog sit here and collect dust, I thought I'd go ahead and fill it with some random thoughts, experiences, videos, questions and perhaps even some more poetry at some point for all to enjoy. So....I'm going to do my best to write at least one post everyday. I may just write about how much I don't want to write and well, you'll just have to deal with that.



So with that I invite you to sit back, relax and enjoy the blog.



Word to big bird.