Abundance

this here...
this is my abundance
the place that i sing and dance in
praise and prance in
keep my feet planted with my tall stance in
and remain unfettered through every lonely night
and those that we romance in
this is my abundance

my abundance
is the combination of yesterdays tears
and tomorrows blank slate
reminders that relate
core
morals and values
to every new step that i take
every new move that i make
as i sketch and create
every inch of my character every reaction every trait
connecting the dots that fluently formulate
this fate
this is my abundance

my abundance
transforms
the things we call wishes
hopes and dreams
freedom of love
freedom of creation
freedom of speech
the life we renounce
and assume is just out of reach

my abundance
transforms it all
into the creation of love
i see now and forever
right before my eyes
everything i want
flows freely in endless supplies
everything i want to be
becomes everything I am
amidst every success, every fail
every question and every try
this is my abundance

and the most beautiful truth
of my abundance
is that its your abundance too
the description of your perfect world
has already come true
its just sitting
and waiting
for what may be a very long overdue
introduction to the owner of this abundance
the creator of this world
it's patiently waiting
for you

what are you waiting for?

Is Tyra Banks Fat?

I wrote this poem about a year and a half ago and it's posting is long overdue. A little background: I was working late one night, doing some research on the internet and one of those annoying "pop up ads" threw itself onto my computer screen. The ad was a picture of Tyra Banks and all it said was "Is Tyra Banks fat?" I had so many thoughts run through my head when I saw this ad....mainly..."really? who the hell cares if she's fat?" But then I could feel myself getting angry and so I wrote:

Is Tyra Banks fat?

thats what the ad
wanted to ask
a task
that prompted me to pull out my oxygen mask
to keep my pulse from stopping
my temperature from dropping
my eyes from popping
out of my head
into this question
and then back into my head

and my mind is doing everything it can to try
and contrive
the very reasons why
I’d even want to stay alive
in a world that projects and promotes
such questions and quotes
that only denotes
the f*%ked up vision that society plasters and coats
on insecure minds
resulting in holes in throats
and suicide notes

yeah you better start takin notes
cause your kids are next
the focal point subjects
destined to start developing the complex
of seeing through the faulty and imperfection specs
that turn their bodies and souls into objects
and projects
for ads like this one
to start slicin
and dicin
their bodies from the outside
penetrating deep into their insides
where it ultimately stands to reside
sitting beside
the heart
convincing it’s the only one to confide in

and so it slides in
and begins to plant its seed
and it’s not makin a baby
but it’s makin a need
to mislead
the unsuspecting minds of the false definition of succeed
so now the only hunger pains that you gotta feed
are the ones that are screaming for more speed
not the ones in miles per hour
but rather the pills that you devour
praying it can keep you from taking that second bite
f*%k bein polite
cause this sh#t ain’t right

in fact it’s rather sad
that the person that produced that ad
can probably recall the very time they had
all sense of confidence and self-esteem
disappear like an out of style fad

so maybe next time you could ask
“what are you most passionate about”
or ask me to lay my dreams flat
for your sake and mine
let’s try to get a little bit deeper than askin me
if Tyra Banks is fat

Home

To those select, special few in my life that define friendship, compassion and love. To those select, special few in my life that make every single day a blessing. To those select, special few in my life that define home for me. This one is for you:

they say that home is where the heart is
but what happens when you’ve misplaced your heart…

to find that answer
I had to retrace my steps
take it back to the start
when it came time to depart
on my long distance journey
recalling and recounting
every moment that taught me
and turned me
toward every touch
every feeling that loved me
and burned me
every step along the way that ultimately returned me
to the moment I’ve only ever really known to be true
each and every moment
I met each and every one of you

scattered encounters
that delicately graced
my space
with intense individuality
igniting sparks
upon my heart
through passionate personality
open arms
open minds
with the same peace like mentality
wrapping me up in one consistent commonality….
love

for which you all seem to have an endless supply
it melts into my skin
until you can see it in my eyes
where it begins to reprise
music to my ears through night ridden skies
moments and outcomes I consistently revise
morphing the magic from the words of the wise
into boundless energy
changing this world
changing this girl
because of this love
because of these ties
because of you

each of you
harboring an internal fashion
that dresses up my heart,
my soul
and my mind
chiseling away the rough cracks and corners
of this wall I hide behind
painting pictures
of a path I’ve worked so hard to find
aligned
with the faces of numberless clocks
that have given me
selfless love
in endless time…
time that has now given me the opportunity to remind
each of you
where my heart is

home is where the heart is…
an expression I had to live
for my heart to believe it true
all of you keep my heart alive
and I know I’m home
when I’m with each and every one of you

Magazine Cover

more than half of the corporations that produce magazines "for" women, offering clever tips to women on how to look young and "beautiful" are owned or run by men. seem strange? it did to me. thus these words flowed quickly:

insecure, slanderous comments you throw in my direction make me sick

perching yourself on a pedestal simply because you have a dick

i'm so disturbed by these thoughts that seem to make you tick

'cause there's no limit to the transgression you consistently inflict

on my sole sex

deeming yourself one of the usual suspects

as i'm rest

assured, that my breast

have made me an object of your desire

that the unveiling of my legs lights your libido afire

and that my body having a mind attached is something you clearly don't require

i see it on your magazine covers

"15 ways to please him as your lover"

"keep yourself fit and give him something fun to discover"

and then when he breaks up with your ass

"we've got 10 quick ways for you to recover"

and now let's turn the page for a "brand new make up that can reduce your age"

"10 more reasons for a proper little girl to quiet her rage"

"are you the only one of your friends left single?

well we've got 10 quick ways for you to get engaged"

and here's an entire article on why you need to be on a diet

whats that?

you're only 10 years old?

it's all good, we still think you should try it

you need some insecurities?

no worries

we'll supply it

and this is nothing new

really no big surprise

the boundaries you want to hold me in

based on your surmise

soundless subjugation because i bleed between my thighs

keeps me characterized

as a lost little girl

runnin around this big bad world

with little or no room to unfurl

sentiment of originality

all sides of my personality

or god forbid i let loose my sexuality...

on my own terms

which only confirms

your hesitation

of allowing a woman to rule this great nation

i mean, why bother hearing the voice of the entire population

while you're sitting happily atop your beautiful united states of segregation

one nation

under the subtle incantation

indivisible

with discrimination

and misinformation

for all!

for now i'm hard to handle

an object of critique

'cause my emotional instability has made me weak

sending me up shits creek

with an aging antiqued

physique

'cause the circles under my eyes

and the extra pounds around my thighs

is what CLEARLY overrides

any wise ties

i've made in my life

it's a viscous cycle and i can't break it

and even though i didn't help make it

i'm forced to partake in it

but make no mistake in it

i'll fight back against the insanity

a place engulfed in such vicious vanity

with perfect profanity

for the sake of my own sanity...

to set myself free

from your definition of a woman's beauty...

you're definition...

a male definition

yeah, you better believe i'll be screaming the opposition

and i'm no politician

just a marvelous, mastering, muttering magician

perfectly place in my pivotal position

to create my own rendition

of what beauty is....

look to your left

look to your right

look in the mirror

embrace that beautiful sight

peace

Yes. No. Maybe.

Questions and concerns that fill our head
Don’t compare to the journey that lies just ahead
So instead
Of worrying our minds right down to the bone
We accept self speak only in the positive tone
And take solace in the mystery of the unknown
We hone
In on new experience
New opportunity
New ways to learn
We earn
More ways to love
More ways to live
More than we ever expected in return
We find our strength
Our peace
Beyond outcomes
And any false guarantee
Beyond the intention
Of convention
In any
Yes
No
Or maybe…

Suppose

suppose it was you that opened my eyes

crawled with me through open senses

minute by minute

line by line

suppose holding hands

rather than holding time

was the reason we fell short

was the reason i fell behind

suppose...

suppose we did the math

found the logic

found a trend

suppose all it added up to

were variables of lost lovers

lost friends

suppose i've been scared all along

searching for the same pattern

the same story

the same reply

suppose fear also gripped my hand

paralyzed my legs

asked the question why

suppose that would make a difference

make you care

make you try....

suppose then that the smiles you wear

become shadows in every other tear i cry

suppose moment by moment

this heart has gone up for grabs

piece by piece

torn for the taking

suppose every inch of you

has turned into every inch of my memory...

history in the making

suppose minutes and senses

melt away

stop dead in their tracks

suppose i'm losing time

losing focus

losing that feeling....

suppose i never get it back

suppose....

Let Me Live (The Prayer)

I’m ready to let you have it
and this may be all I have left to give
these very words to you
this is my last plea to let me live

So I’m gonna ask you:

How are you going to reach down inside me
to plant your seeds of hope
just to water me down with doubt
and no means or methods to cope

How are you going to build my heart
out of strength, humility and ration
just to make it pump through my veins
vulnerability, fear and passion

How are going to make me dig deeper
Internalize
Criticize
Rationalize
Realize
and apologize
When you knew damn well
those were the very efforts
that would only lead to my demise

How are you going to paint this picture of me
inside your extravagant expectation
just to leave me stranded
on a blank canvas
completely void of journey or destination

How are you going to make me question this life
but then offer no relief
how are you going to make me get down on my knees for you
when you knew I’d only end up standing in disbelief

How are you going fill my head
constantly
constantly
making me think there’s something different
something more
If this is it
if this is really all you have in store

I’d be okay with this reality
if you’d let me be okay with being done
and yet you keep my heart chasing
burning
believing
that something “big” has just begun

And I want to believe
I want to believe that you know what’s best
and that all these tears, fears and frustrations
really are just your test

Well I’ll be the first to tell you
I’ve failed this part
so it’s time for me to move on now
and reconnect with my heart

You know what I’m lookin for
You know what I have to give
so I’m asking for your help now
God, I need your help to let me live…

Still No Words

still no words

come to mind

as my mind circles

thoughts and ideas

of this idea

of you

i'm left only with images

glimpses

and graphics

that lend themselves

to my practice 

of practicing 

you...

words are just no match 

for such effortless infatuation

to testament

and trepidation

surrounding a rational realization

a family foundation

for your reckless concentration

constantly connecting to a higher power

of disconnected determination

to make moves 

that move my bones

in a way they've never felt before

and yet i still have no words

words that have flowed simple 

and easy 

for past loves

and lovers 

undercover

and under my covers

were simply that...

simple

and easy....

while you 

are anything but

rather you remain

the simplest seed

growing inside of me

expanding into complex

contexts

creating complicated objects

that intersect

the middle ground

of our worst

of our best

which has become the best

part of me...

so its no wonder 

no words

come easy 

for me

lay stagnant 

and still

for me

for that could never be

what you would ever be

for me

you will forever be

the contrary 

the one that pushes back 

that dares me

the one that scares me

then repairs me

that holds tight

then shares me

that prepares me

for a world i could only imagine

would never dare be

mine....

my reality

so no words 

still no words

come to mind

to describe this love....

this love thats in my heart

this love i've found... 

and still have yet to find

beyond this dead end....

I sat at this dead end
and tried to calculate my risk
but it just wasn't adding up
i was left with two remainders
fearful hesitation
or a blindfolded jump

so i jumped

and as i recall
bundled nerves of fear and excitement
fueled my will to fall
to break down my own stereotypical wall
to embrace the unknown
through the joy
through the pain
through it all

so i floated freely
setting sights
to new heights
a new fight
and new levitation
that drowned
down
the background
sound
with a new song about concentration
that cared less about a location
describing
and defining
a final destination
but rather on the surprises
on the rise as
i released expectation

this was about a new way a thinking

taking the world in
with child-like senses
i took the time
i took it in
and i dropped my defenses
i made peace
i made love
started speakin only in present tenses
i gave it up
i gave it all
forgetting all my prior expenses
as I gazed over these fences
and saw the beauty
that lay just past this dead end

i’m staring now at endless possibilities

shades and shadows of possibilities
lay beyond this dead end
beyond you
beyond me
beyond traditional experience
that provide a false guarantee
beyond perception
beyond rationality
beyond any idea of what it means to be free
beyond this dead end
await surprises of what this world needs me to be
beyond this poem
beyond these words
beyond a life
I have yet to see

beyond this dead end
it’s all just waiting for me…

i'm comin…

Dead End

its no wonder

i hold a broken compass in one hand

and a broken heart in the other

sitting here now

at this dead end

i set sail on this journey

without discretion

direction

or any means of detection

for these life altering connections

i've made...

least of all

the ones that sit with me

at this dead end

i watched labels

and inhibitions

with careful concentration

fly out car windows

and off roof tops

with no care

or anticipation

of their predestined

destination...

sitting next to me

at this dead end

days, months and years

tied together

blind eyes, smiles and tears

that exposed

tied tongues, hopes and fears

reassuring the voice inside hearts

and heads

that everything may never be as it appears

even now

even here

as it all sits with me

at this dead end

my body is anxious and sore

while my mind can only wish

hope

and pretend

that it's not time to sit here

to sit alone with these memories

alone...

at this dead end

My Mind Wanders

To no end

and with no sign of where to begin

my mind wanders

around preverbal circles

made up of imaginary numbers and words

numbers and words that do their best

to be the best of intentions

imaginary inventions

built inside instincts

and conventions

held to the highest degree

360 degrees

my mind wanders

around this circle of reality

trying to find the perfect place to fit

this square of emotional confusion

bending and breaking

squeezing and taking

every ounce of energy in the making

from every side

and every corner

until i'm cornered

cornered inside this circle

of a wordless reality

that splits me down the middle

creating the emotionless duality

i see staring up, down and around me

every second of every day

with timeless punctuality

inundated from the outside

with no hope to get it out of me

no hope to get it out of me

and no hope to get it back in

inside the circle

my mind wanders around

wandering to no end...

and no sign of where to begin

Lost and Found

Ironically…
I find myself lost
lost amidst my own rubble and debris
trying to find some resemblance of life
trying to find love...
trying to find memory

I thought I’d started on a path
that led towards my idealistic brighter day
but I’m starting to feel the sun on my back now
as I turn and walk away

and I’m not sure what I’m counting on
to reroute me on this track
but I know it won’t be easy
to find my way back

and I know it to be true, that I don’t wander alone
on what feels like a surface of quick sand
but it’s clear I’ve lost my balance
I no longer know my way
and have never been more uncertain about where I stand

for every path I’ve ever chosen
and for those that have chosen me
I’ve only ever wanted to leave behind love
but along the way…
I’ve somehow lost me

so if you happen to see me along your own way
wallowing in “failed expectations”
“vanished dreams”
or “mislaid means to cope”
please remind me of the path
that just lay slightly out of my eye sight
that finds truth....
that finds comfort...
that finds hope…

Somehow....

this hollow display that accidently found me

that twists and turns around me

proved too weak to withstand my falls and breaks

to make sense of broken memories

for yours and my sake....

premeditated mistakes

seep through in drones to haunt me

and i'm feeling them to my core

they're demanding i make immediate decisions

i haven't prepared for....

and i find myself walking this fine line

that was once radiant with possibilities

and now simply begs for peace and tranquility

from the double sided question that asks will it be

you

or me

that determines the outcome of this fate

or will it just be left unanswered

to drown out and deteriorate...

i'm scared to know now and i'm scared to wait

for the truth to be shown

but i know i can't stop it from coming

i can't run away from the unknown...

i can only remind myself

every moment of every day

of the bone clinching cliche

that nothing worth having

knowing

feeling

ever comes easy

can come and go

and truly may never stay...

so all i can do is stand to protect

what is here

what is now

in hopes to find some clarity

to part these clouds

some way

somehow....

even if that clarity

are more grey tapestries

that take no time

and care little about casualties

there is no need for something so grand

something eternal

or profound

simply the knowledge

the courage

the open mind to feel confident

that every passing moment

is another chance

to turn it all around

Broken Ending

reflecting on all the things I never said to you
and knowing now that I’ll never have the chance to
i’m comforted by the tears collecting in my eyes
full of regret
spilling drops of pain down my cheek
only to sink right back into my skin
and there you are again…
under my skin

hopeless attempts to reconnect
have led us to this dead end of misleading
misunderstandings
misinformed
miscommunication….
and I miss you

and I feel like rolling over and dying
anything to stop the slide show of images
cycling behind my closed eyes
images of endless smiles
hugs
and kisses
friends forever….

that is until factors
and friendships
romances
and circumstances
circumvent
and create
harsh realities
reflecting off of an unforgiving fate of….
done

done?
how is that even possible?

I won’t beg you to think twice...

to try...

to fight...
but I can assure you that the tears collecting in my eyes
full of regret
will quickly transfer to yours if you don’t
and their pain will spill down your cheeks
when you realize you want to try now…
and I won’t

convince yourself of what you will
I can no longer hold your hand
and I’ll remain confident that this outcome
is something neither of was wanted
that neither of us planned
and that I guess
sometimes
things just don’t work out the way you planned

I’ll always be grateful for our memories
for every moment you’ve seen me through….
I’ll always miss it all….
I’ll always miss you

Blocked Inspiration....

your loss of words
inspire a string of my own
dancing thoughts
and emotions
spilling down in drones
of unidentified objects
of the unknown

prompting mental relapses
that find solace on blank slates
of immobile forces
redefining a foreseeable
falsified fate
of connection

this lack of direction
down a page
begging for memories
and metaphors
fills my head
in high definition
with memories of every image
I've ever ignored

so I now find unidentified words
rolling back onto my tongue
and creating memories

of words I’d once written
on pages yet to come....

all inspired by the block you bare
this blank slate
this barrier
these boundaries
have become the very experience
fueling the inspiration
you are

and will forever be destined

to share

try me...then free me...but don't expect anything

paint me inside your extravagant expectation
and leave me there to dry
wait for me to bring you joy
then watch how i die

don't take your eyes off of me
while i lay on your canvas silent and still
and let your eyes erase my movement
my being
every ounce of life, logic
and free will

arrange your decorations
around this masterpiece you think you see
wait for a vision, some sign of light
some sort of clarity
that beams into your eyes a silhouette
of someone that looks nothing like me

these expectations can make traditions
run through your heart and viens
up your spine
till it wraps around your mind
till it wraps around your words
feelings
and perceptions
covering your eyes till they're blind

you can cradle this expectation of me
hold it close and wrap it tight
provide it light
and let it manifest and grow
into a concept
a prospect
of false identity
something i could never know

expectations i've built for myself
seem to be no match for the ones you've constructed
from your own experienced building blocks
and you let them close in on me
like windowless walls
and mismatched keys to mismatching locks

which means you'll never know who
i was truly meant to be
you'll never see
through the eyes of the Earth
through the only eyes that truly know me

i can only ever know truth in my own heart
be open to those images and ideas
i don't understand
and be patient with unforgiving eyes
closed hearts
minds
and hands

so know me or not
but don't pretend you think you know what you see
the only way to free yourself of your own unrealistic
unattainable
expectations
is by allowing me to be free

I am

I am not a gender
this curly hair or the clothes on my back
I am not a question or an answer
I am no cause for attack

I am not my 9 to 5
or the dreams in my head
I am not the words that I write
I am not the words I’ve read

I am not a relationship
a friendship or a lover
I am not a question or an answer
or some deeper meaning to uncover

I am not the shoes on my feet
I am not a walk or a glance
I am not a one night stand
or a never ending romance

I am not a size or height
I am not emotion or feeling
I am not attention or disregard
humility or healing

I am not justification
rationality or reason
I am not a wavering opinion
that changes with the season

I am….very simply
life moving through fingers and toes
a force
an energy pulling each of us closer
to that which no one knows

I am predetermined time
giving this body breath
the staggering infinite motion of life
the inevitable stillness of death

I am life
nothing more
I am life discovering my joy
as it is written in the Earth’s core

you and I are one in the same
life and energy seeking to understand
what happiness means to us
according to natures plan

I am life…
I am life….
I am….

halfway

we’d made it halfway
and considering the source
it only made sense that halfway
could be the end

half of our beginning
would never realistically amount to anything more than
half of a promise
that was never made

you simply asked if I wanted to trade
the life I’d been living
for everything you were giving
which amounted to all of…
nothing
or so you thought

so I slid halfway into your
double sided lexicon
and studied every word behind your eyes
that asked me to stay
and move on
to lay
and be gone
to play
while you won
the half of me that was no longer holding on
or so I thought

I suppose it’s possible for these
two broken halves
to make a whole
an outcome that only time
and understanding will know

so until then
im watching half of what you do
and listening to half of what you say
to keep my heart protected
in the event that we only make it
halfway

where do we go from here

after the little things 

melted hearts into magical fingertips

i want to know...

where do we go from here

i feel the universe pulling me home

but you're still holding onto my heart

so i want to know....

where do we go from here

times we laid together

played together

injected each other with sentiments

of past times

and future endeavors

are falling out of my pockets 

along with my loose change

and i want to know....

where do we go from here

the patterns that were woven

to cover our lazy afternoons

and shelter us from the harsh reality

of questions and comments

confused eyes and nonsense

have become divided pieces of fabric

that could cover no more than the spot on my cheek

where you would kiss me

and i want to know....

where do we go from here

i'm not so much expecting an answer from you

or from me

or even the earth for that matter

i guess that's not what really matters to me anyway

i just want to know that we're going to be okay

that possible misinterpretations or time needed to heal

will not get in our way

that truly is the only thing i fear

so i really just want to know...

where do we go from here

this is only a test

I finally realized that you were simply testing me
and from where I stand now
I’m convinced that all of this has been the best for me...
even though it hurts like hell

and as far as I can tell
your days, along with mine go on
laced with footprints of
irresponsible words and actions
we both never meant to impart
manifested from a punctured
and bleeding start

your confidence was convincing
your actions were different
so I started thinking differently
you marched me down
one by one
while I padded every step
with frequent conversations
check-ins
and cool downs
all my attempts to try and be smart

and I could write now
about a broken heart
but your memory feels more like an illness of sorts
a bad infection
disguised as promise of intention
that got under my skin
and started to take hold
before we could even begin
any concept
any prospect
of you and me

and I realize now
amidst the irony of it all
that this illness
was the very thing that saved me
from you….
and I’m working on your memory now

and once I rid my stagnant reflection of
the color of your eyes,
the sound of your voice
and regain some sign of the courage I once possessed
I’ll remind myself everyday that you,
just like every other
were simply a test

fear you won't fall...

(inspired by the lyrics of Joshua Radin's "Fear you won't fall")

take a guess at what you see
tell me what you determine and define….
cause honestly at this point
your guess is as good as mine

interpret these words
and decipher these codes
offer me some meaning
behind these empty odes

reenact this cycle you’ve seen
played out before your eyes
dance every step
of this friendly romance
and then please, advise!

see if you can make sense
out of these senseless actions
and set my heart at ease
give me the wisdom of your outside perspective
for my protection, please!

I’m walking hand in hand
with a divided love
holding the hand that just isn’t sure
yearning for the one that wants it all
but I guess part of the fear of falling in love…
is the fear that you won’t fall.

i know where i belong

we’d been slow dancing around the issue
for quite some time now….
bodies confused
and minds trembling

we’d lost the rulebook
or perhaps tossed it out the window
long ago
and whether it flew out her window or mine
is pointless to ponder now

we were both a long way off from any real
solid answer
understanding
comfort….
and it was comfortable

but the mind blows in
in it’s careless fashion
through heartfelt windows and doors
windows and doors
that once allowed vibrant beams of life to shine through
are now dirtied with emotional
fearful
“what if”
debris
dirtying up my floors

and as the dust settles
and coats this floor
from wall to wall
with it’s remnants of heartbreak
I notice a thick
abstract line
drawn deep through the middle
putting you on your side
and me on mine

decisions have been made
and lines have been drawn
its safe to say now
I know where I belong….
I know my love….
where I belong

It's All About Timing

the love/hate/tolerating relationship we harbor with time
wanting more time
of the good times
and more space and time
between the bad times
theres never enough time
things take too much time
we have the time of our lives
the time we want to always last
followed by our darkest
lowest times
the time that never seems to pass
fast…
enough

we spend time complaining
about everything that fills our time
while simultaneously investing our time
in less
stress times
quiet
and centered times
healthy
and unfettered times
in hopes of living the longest time
just to spend more time
complaining about our short lived
never ending time

it’s all about timing

we lose time
getting lost in time
we waste time
getting wasted in time
we want time to ourselves
to crave someone elses time
just to want more time for ourselves
only to end up in those oh so lonely times.

we try to time our timing
for the right time
just to be told
at this point and time...
well it’s just bad timing
and the sparks of the irreplaceable first time
fizzle with the realization
that the timing of this relation
is heading for the destination
of timed heartbreaks and hesitations
translucent transformations
of time well spent
to wasted time

it’s all about timing

and as time begins to pass
we realize that any time
could be our last
so we grip to times of the past
to lessons learned and love that lasts
time goes fast...
so we go faster
in the oxymoronic
cyclical
never ending
never winnable
race against time
round and round we go
one time
two times
three times
time runs wild
in a myriad of numbers
controlled by minute
and hour hands
that tell time
or rather tell us
we’re losing time
when all of sudden time stands still...

we grow ill
staring at the body of an old timer
weak and weary
our eyes grow teary
with the apprehension that our time has come to an end
only to begin
our time again
in some other
unknown time
continuing the love/hate/tolerating relationship we harbor with time

it’s all about timing

What Are We Fighting For?

It’s recently occurred to me, through many days and nights devoted to my own internal reconnaissance that perhaps love, intimate love that is….relationship love….is not necessarily worth fighting for. Or even more succinctly put, was never meant to be fought for in the first place. I don’t mean that in any dire straights manner as if to say “I’ve completely lost hope and given up on love” but I suppose I don’t quite mean the opposite of that either, as if to say “I’m blissfully optimistic that true love is and will forever be a possibility.” My point here more focuses on the “fight” we often put up for love. I just don’t think I believe in “fighting” for love and here is why:

To fight for something ultimately implies two truths: 1) you face some barrier/obstacle/struggle between you and what you’re fighting for and 2) that you are attempting to gain something…perhaps control of something, ownership of something, etc. Those two truths, when applied to love, in my mind, just don’t make sense. 1) If you face barriers/obstacles/struggles to be with someone you love…to create an intimate relationship with that person, I would have to ask one question…why all the barriers? Perhaps it’s timing? Perhaps it’s just not meant to be right now? Or at all? And of course the concept of “meant to be” should be covered in an entirely different blog. But if we can honestly ask ourselves “why is it just so hard,” we might find a sense of calm in the realization that it shouldn’t be that hard. It doesn’t have to be that hard. Fighting the universe in a sense…doing something that doesn’t feel good or even worse, feels unnatural, wouldn’t seem to amount to anything worth fighting for in the end anyway right? The barriers and obstacles are there for whatever reason and attempting to fight them, in my opinion, will only end up hindering the very relationship you’re after.

And the second truth is one that pretty much seals the deal for me. This idea of ownership that we (as a people all over the world) have come to love so much is the very thing that destroys most relationships…again, in my opinion. Sayings such as “you’re MY one and only,” “you’re MY girlfriend/boyfriend,” “I can’t wait to make you MINE,” have completely falsified the idea of commitment within a romantic relationship. The mere fact that we as human beings could be arrogant enough (all through things we’ve learned over time) to think that we actually “own” ANYTHING, let alone another person is absurd to me. And yet the semantics of our “relationship language” consistently dance around this concept of what we “have,” what is “ours,” and what is all “mine” forever and ever AMEN!!! Bullshit. We don’t own shit. We don’t even own our own bodies! We’re simply renting it out for the time we have on Earth and yes, have the freedom to do with it what we want…but ultimately don’t own it.

Accepting this lack of ownership offers a level of comfort and relief along with a devastating pain and discomfort when it comes to intimate relationships. The pain and discomfort comes from the long history of learned behavior based around the concept of “ownership” and the desire to still want to try and “own” things. But I feel a sense of comfort knowing that if I simply stop trying to “own” someone as “mine” or define what “we” are…that I am able to just be…and in turn, be in the presence of others whom I allow to just be. And that….to me…that sounds like the healthiest starting point for any relationship.

I won’t fight anymore. I’ll allow myself to just be….

Tunnel of Words

i’ve been wondering down this tunnel
of fantasy laden words
with intense devotion
peeling off the walls
and piecing together
a commotion
of powerful paragraphs
full of fabricated emotion
with little or no notion
of exactly what…
i was creating

I pressed on
in my idealistic
inexperienced fashion
blinded by pure passion
peeling and piecing
with my original intensity
never looking back to see
how the words behind me
were starting to define me
confine me
realign me
to the lines that led me down a stray path
hoping never again to find me…
those words became my past

but those words of the past
cared little
and came back
fast
to cast
their repercussions
and forged my signature on a contract
of contrast
between those very words
and my future paragraphs

and rather than balancing securely
on the walls as they once did
awaiting my careful selection
I’m now watching these words
create their own collection
of misdirection
carefully laying themselves
section
by section
on the path in front of me
feeding me into a future of
false perception
and rejection
foreshadowing crippled connections
of emotionless affection
with no opportunity for correction…
I’m speechless

all I have now are these words
and I’m speechless
nothing to describe my ups, downs and u-turns…
I’m directionless
absent of love, hate, frustration, trepidation…
I’m emotionless

less the emotion I once harbored
in my feet
leading me my own way
as I preferred
I’m blank…
I’m speechless…
trapped now
in this tunnel of words

For You

on this lonely night,
smoke rings fill the air

like thoughts of you fill my mind

what can be done about the untouchable

figment of my imagination that seems too real

to ever let go of

to let float back into this unforgivable universe?

with hands tied behind my back

and blind eyes leading my footsteps

i guess at the trail that lies ahead of me

and trust that the bounding trees of the redwood

won't get in my way

but rather, surround us on that unforgettable day

of you and i

you and i baby,

you and i....

my thoughts get tangled in circumstantial words

and bound by influential perceptions

of denying eyes

but then, perhaps that's a good thing

for i could never be arrogant enough to assume that

your eyes

and my heart are connecting

for all i know its my presence alone

that you're rejecting

and that's fine.

all i need you to hear are my words that speak the following:

you, all of you

your heart, your eyes,

your body, your being,

your presence,

your essence,

is more than much of this world will ever fully grasp

and understand

in the most beautifully tragic sense

but for me....

to me....

you are everything i want and can never have

you are the spirit of the earth

that pulls me from my deepest nightmares

and into my most beautiful dreams

you are what i know to be...

what God himself...

created for me.

I love you

Direction -Less

My amazingly wonderful friend Nikki presented me with a little challenge yesterday. She dared me to take a word from each line from my post "Habit (21 lines)" to see if I could make a poem out of those 21 words. Well, I kind of misunderstood the assignment and went a little crazy on it. I did as she instructed and pulled 1 word from each line of the poem. But instead of creating a poem out of those 21 words (which she actually did beautifully) I created a new poem in the "21 line" format but with a completely new focus and direction, ironically called "Direction-Less." The poem still follows the theory that doing something 21 times can create a habit.

Direction – less

1. i locked the door inside my house like I locked myself inside this habit
2. my habit that has no windows to break through
3. walls to hide me, fire alarms to sound. The one that drowned down
4. a far reaching dream that my heart still screams to at night
5. and implores me to spend more time with
6. rather than chasing lost thoughts around promises and possibility
7. fate knocking and destiny. So I took a moment to lie on the ground beside
8. the footprints of honest experience and effort that had walked before me
9. derived from a language injected with resolution and fight
10. and I saw images of intentional prints that were leftover from the strong and steadfast
11. individuals that stayed focused and surpassed those still wrapped inside indolent ideals of what should be
12. as opposed to what could be. Images that invaded my soul, marched around my heart
13. and left their own prints, indentations down my spine
14. each and every one indicating who I’ve been in past lives and who I am yet to become
15. who I will become if I follow my own journey, live out my own dreams
16. dreams my heart has been dying to transform into habits
17. and just then I realized how terrifying such thoughts, such sentiments used to be
18. habitual love, freedom, thought….habitually living life had never been me
19. but my time pressed to the ground must have been a wish made by my heart
20. because those prints down my spine now surround my body with peace
21. and my footprints are now pointing intentionally and in a new direction, and that direction is East

Rearview

i tossed my unwanted baggage
and packed only what i could hold

in the passenger seat....

where you used to sit

it was going to be a long trip

with the west in my rearview

a long, winding

binding

road back to a familiar

new place

full of long lost memories

and those yet to be made

it wasn't easy to say goodbye

to present connections, intentions

and i fear it may be even harder to say

hello to the past

but it's something i knew had to be done

something larger than me

pulling me

reminding me

of future goals

i'd never made

and i fear there will be mixed emotions when i go

of immediate affliction

that will quickly transform

into long term listlessness

which is the very reason why

i think i've overstayed my welcome

I'd painted over the truth for far too long

with surface level assurances

that i thought for sure could last...

forever

but the last thing i remember

was lost and delirious activity

full of intoxicating conversation

filling a 22 ounce glass that i chugged

every day before work without hesitation

focusing intense dedication

to wild nights

in wild desperation

while i watched

and waited

for the next bedside destination...

to get wild on

i loved and learned

grew deeper

and deeper connections were later made

upon rocks

upon sand

upon my hands

that held hearts

i was destined to unfold

and others i was never fully equipped to hold

my heart sat upon her hands

and she broke it

some of these memories

are in the passenger seat where you used to sit

while the others sit in a trash bag

on my old street corner

the salt from the pacific

resonates on my tongue

as i watch it disappear

in the rearview

and lingering gratitude

dances upon my heart

and soul

as you disappear too

Habit (21 Lines)

1. I’ve got 21 lines to become a habit
2. you won’t want to break
3. so let me break it down for you like this
4. my love, I dream about your lips, your smile
5. pressed against mine. I dream about time
6. transferred from thoughts of you
7. to time beside you, inside you, time that takes 21 lines
8. to slide into the future of me and you. Because let’s be honest, you –
9. you carve one solid line across my chest in a language that I don’t speak and you got me
10. you got me wrapped around your finger. So I’ll take your 20 leftover lines, add ‘em to mine
11. and perhaps double my chances to wrap myself around your energy,
12. your essence, your presence that invades my daydreams
13. and seems to fire me up and cool me down all in the same thought.
14. It’s now become a responsibility of mine
15. to attempt to write myself out of these 21 lines
16. and into your heart. A responsibility I’ve been dying to take on cause you
17. you’re the one that stays on my mind and keeps me alive. A stunning and terrifying thought.
18. a thought that reflects off the moon when I look into your eyes. My love,
19. my muse, try not to confuse these lines with anything more than a wish,
20. 21 complicated thoughts that surround a desire, a response to some kind of sign
21. pointing in your direction, 21 times, in hopes to become your habit, in 21 lines.

Reason Why

theres a reason why I’m gone
and you’re still there
(Inspired by the lyrics of Rachel Yamagata’s “Reason Why”)

baby….
looking back with no regret
and my heart in debt
to receiving
all you could give at the time
I’m just wondering if you’ve figured it out yet
the way I figured
and didn’t forget
it was my heart I chose to bare
in an effort to share
the oh so familiar
along with the silently rare
sides of me

baby I tried to make you see
the degree
of the crucial sincerity
locked up inside of me
and how you effortlessly
opened me up
when you talked deep
made my thoughts come cheap
and allowed me to sleep
inside of you

but baby…theres a reason why I’m gone
and you’re still there

my intentions became my actions
while yours fluidly waxed and waned
contained
in your unexplained
frame of mind
while I never complained
and by the same token
I simply patched over the unspoken
broken
movements
with lilies and lavender
dope little ditties
and praising your pity
every chance I got

every chance became my seconds.
minutes.
days.
until I eventually forgot the ways
you could make me laugh
and all those other fun and silly clichés
that all fades
into an unrecognizable haze

now baby…theres a reason why I’m gone
and you’re still there

those eyes that began to appear
overridden with fear
glistening through each and every tear
that fell down your cheek

confessing your love
confessing the internal war
expressing your love
expressing it behind a closed door
and now suppressing your love
cause I just couldn’t take it anymore

you
there
unable to claim the identity desired
because it was unappreciated by the masses
clinching to the hope that the discomfort of living a lie
it passes
telling yourself that the grass is
always greener
in the pastures where the mind is the majority rule
over the heart
and baby…that’s all that sets us apart.

theres a reason why I’m gone
and you’re still there

Here We Are Now

here we are now
years
after drowning tears
and hearts full of discouraging fears
here we are now…

together

do you remember how scared we were?
how unsure
uncertain
unassuming…
or so we thought

you understood me
you got me
and I wanted nothing more
than to get you….
out of her world
and into mine

circumstances that revolved within our universe
have become but drops in an ocean
now flowing freely
between your heart and mine

the reality of turning our secret meetings
into consistent
passionate
embraces
seemed unattainable

the opportunity to articulate
eternal emotion
in a decoded language
seemed idealistic

and as I glance down at you now
laying in my arms
so peacefully
so stunningly
I’m taking every opportunity
to say thank you
I’m grateful
I’m indebted
to the person you’ve allowed me to be
to the reality
you and I have come to see

here we are now…

together

Start where you are....

and be patient

I laid in a wish
closed my eyes
and hoped to wake in reality

it was still just a wish

I wrapped my arms around hope
gripped tightly
until the only thing I could feel…
was me

it was still just hope

I made love to a dream
penetrating minds
and hearts dancing
until I came….
back to life

it was still just a dream

patience is where i am.
constantly practicing patience
with the pace
at which my heart and mind race

patience is where I am….
patience with my world….
with my reality….

and i’m doing my best to be patient…
I’m doing my best to just be.

it is what it is

i suppose sometimes you just can't help the inevitable feeling of "it is what it is."  circumstances that are out of your control, moments when your internal voices are in conflict, trepidation of embracing the ideal, potential and actual reality.

i've always eschewed the term "it is what it is."  i held tight to alternate responses that have worked in my favor and allowed me to take some of the most rewarding risks in my life.  it is also a response that has prompted me to react too quickly, without thought of the consequences and eventually laid my head on a pillow full of regret.

i suppose a balance of rationality and spontaneity can lead to positive outcomes without having to avert to the despised saying of "it is what it is."  but ultimately, this life, your life, is yours and the only one you've got.  is it going to be "just is what it is?"  or will fear of the immediate hurt and pain be overcome by assurance of a life your core knows is better and waiting for you? i can't assure you of either answer.  i can only ask the question and hope that you find the path that works best for you.  and my wasted heart will forever hope that i'm apart of your path.  so that my life....my outcome....doesn't become "just is what it is."  

but i'll be okay if that's who i am in your outcome.  sometimes my idealistic heart gets ahead of me...or so i've been told.  i'll be okay with "it just is what it is" ....and feel rest assured that in some circumstances it really "just is what it is."  

life everchanging

if you asked me if i like routine, my knee jerk response would be an overwhelming "NO!"  but it's during times like these, that i realize how much routines really rule our lives.  

it seems typical and practically coveted to have some kind of routine in life, whether you want to admit it or not.  even the life that seems completely void of routine inevitably ends up developing some routine out of their lack of.  the things we do when we wake up, take a shower, before we go to work or out with friends, the place we live and on and on and on. routine seems to keep us grounded in some way....provides a "place" (whether in the literal or figurative sense) for us to call home.

these routines become so engrained in our brains that even the smallest change (good or bad) can rock our worlds.  change in people, change in environment, change in friends or family.  changes that offer a new perspective on life...or perhaps just a different one.  

and among this sudden change it's possible, if we pay close attention, to recognize the routines that are extremely important in our lives as well as the ones that may just need to go.

for me, i think a routine that includes a healthy balance of friends, responsibility and love are essential in our existence and growth.  i've realized how incredibly blessed i am to have many of these routines in place and flourishing as we speak.  and i've realized that there are some routines that have a lot of work to be done and attention that is needed.  it's funny how a break in our routines tends to be the very perspective we need to see what is most important in our lives.  and what routines are in desperate need of our attention.

Label Me

what if labels didn't exist?  the concept seems outlandish at first as our categorical brains pine to define EVERYTHING.  we have been cognitively programmed to label people, events, circumstances, actions, things, etc.  and we find ourselves frustrated when the labels we have for someone or something just don't seem to fit.  some labels are brief while some last a bit longer.  sometimes we wish we never had to label at all!  sometimes we don't like our own labels.  the ones we've given ourselves or the ones that have been given to us.  

and yet, we seem to attach ourselves to these labels and grip to them as tightly as we can.  and understandably so.  it's what we've been taught to do after all...  

but what if labels just didn't exist?  what if there were no such thing as "mine" or "yours" or "good" or "bad" or "tall" or "short?"  man, this list could go on and on!!  this concept is actually not so outlandish  if you think about it.  it's actually one of the basic principles of Buddhism.  the reason for eternal suffering is in our attachment to things (labeling: you're "mine," i'm "yours," etc).  we label ourselves and our possessions as just that....possessions.  and our things, along with ourselves, become off limits to an entire word around us.  we become off limits to the very world we were meant to explore in all its greatness and all of it's purity.  all of our greatness and all of our purity.  we've been labeled "off limits" when all we really want is the freedom to explore just how unlimited we can really be.    

what if labels didn't exist?

Wounded

I’m broken
feeling myself standing on an edge
about to plunge
into an unknown abyss
about to take a risk
that I’m trying to convince myself

has been calculated

and I’m feelin frustrated
at the fact that every thought and emotion
I’ve debated
with the earth
the sun
the moon
and the stars
have only left scars
that run endlessly into my veins

and I’d be okay
with the origins of this pain
if the deep lacerations
left some remnants of truth
some remnants of you
something tangible
something to hold onto

but as these wounds
were inflicted
I couldn’t stop the bleeding
they poured out everything
and drenched the ground beneath me
every reaction
every reason
every memory of love
and love lost
I’d always counted on to complete me

gone...

so I stand now in the puddle
of my remains
contained
in a broken mind storm
that once rained
confident questions
and animated concentration
to what is now
a dehydrated blank slate
unable to feel
unable to heal
unable to deal
with wasted time
and hesitation

I’ve been bleeding for too long
left my remains
all across this nation
I’m broken
I’m done
this part of my life
needs no more formal education

so in an act of desperation
I stand at this edge
ready to make my plunge
confidently
careless
emotionless
directionless
broken once again
and ready to see
if the wounds I endure tomorrow
will leave anything left inside of me

This I Believe

This poem was inspired by a book published through NPR called:

"This I Believe" 

(check out the link attached)

This I Believe

i believe not in destinations

but rather in progression

through eccentric self expressions

relinquished material possessions

long lasting impressions

and those never ending,

unanswered questions.

i believe there are no guarantees

but that there is always a chance

endless chances

for unexplained circumstances

full of hasty advances

of soft glances

and slow dances

bold stances

in romances

resulting in love trances

i believe the chance is...

always a possibility.

see i believe that that possibility

could possibly set our minds free

free from insurmountable insecurity

to random acts of kindness and courtesy

from societies product driven impurity

to introspective reflection and maturity 

till you feel completely assured you see, just how

possible 

possibilities

can possibly be.

i believe we're finally paying attention.

i believe in family first

not defined as an oppressive proposition wants so desperately to disseminate

in an effort to dictate

my fate....

no see, i'm talking about blood family

and the family i make

relationships i conjugate

with passers by 

best friends

each and everyone of my soul mates

based on respect, trust, passion and love

rather than the importance of being straight.

i believe my voice is gettin loud...

i believe there is nothing more beautiful

and better for this world

than every individual finding their own path

that uplifts spirits 

and compliments their very core

opens doors

to everything their weary hearts and minds 

have endlessly been searching for.

see i believe in possibility

the possibility of truly knowing myself

to possibly set myself free

through no promise

and no guarantee...

but simply the possibility....

the possibility...

to believe in me.

what do you believe?

 

Drama and distraction are necessary....or do i just not get it?

I am curious as to why the words drama and distraction have developed such negative connotations and become so “taboo” in a society that seems to heavily embrace both and essentially need both to survive. seems like a bit of an oxymoron no?

we distract ourselves from our days, from our jobs, from our own minds, from our relationships, etc. but yet we always feel guilty about it. we feel "bad" for being distracted as if it's this devilish emotion that NO ONE else ever feels. and drama. That infamous word (that i've seen re-occur far too often in the lesbian community) that we, as woman, seem to know so little about but astoundingly cower away from only to then pine so deeply for in our days, jobs, minds, relationships, etc. we scream the words of Mary J Blige "No More Drama" in hopes that our lives will be ridden of the very thing (drama) we seek when we think no one else is looking.

we feel frustrated, angry and even guilty when distraction and drama creep into our lives. shit, we even medicate ourselves....heavily...to keep our minds from veering off the path that seems to be...should be....we hope to be…the true outcome of our success (again, in our jobs, relationships, minds etc). but what is success? how are we successful without distraction or drama...in any facet of our lives? what is a relationship we don't veer from every now and again? or a job, or friendship, or even our own life? perhaps drama and distraction are just the things we need in life to keep us growing, questioning, deciding, moving toward a better "us." Perhaps then we become clearer about deciding when (if ever) is the right time to make the move or if we should maybe just stay put. perhaps its drama and distraction we need to embrace in order to understand ourselves that much better.

I think drama and distraction are necessary. but maybe i just don't get it.

Which Way is Right?

I've recently been reading about Buddhism's reflection of the eight signpost of the being on the spiritual path:

Right Understanding

Right Speech

Right Action

Right Livelihood

Right Effort

Right Concentration

Right Mindfulness

So I guess all I need to know now is....which way is "Right?"

You can always go home?

I've been away from home (on the complete opposite coast) for close to 4 years now. I've been fortunate enough to live on both coasts and experience the vast difference between the two. I have also been extremely lucky in developing a group of friends in my current location that are outstandingly loving and supportive. They have helped me define what it means to "create" your family. Something I've never had to do because of my extremely close connection to my blood family.

I always planned on my time away from my family to be limited. I was anxious for the experience but always knew I would return to the place I grew up having brought with me all the experiences I have gained from being so far away. But the longer that I am away, the more disconnected I feel from home. Or perhaps just that "idea" of home. I guess this merits the question "what is home" or perhaps the clichéd question "where is home." I suppose that no matter how close or far you are to where you grew up, these questions still abound in everyone’s mind. But it's a question that scares me in a way that I've never felt before.

"They" say you can always go home. But can you? Is there a point you reach when you've been away for so long that going home to where you grew up almost feels like going "back" to a foreign place? And that perhaps, simply because you grew up there, doesn't necessarily mean you belong there? And if that is the case, how do you find comfort in knowing that where your blood family is located....might not be the best place for your own individual growth, experience and "life."

Can you always go home?

Are there two of us?

We've all experienced conversations with "ourselves" before but have we ever really thought about what that means? Thought about what it means to "ask yourself" a question? Thought about what it means when one side of us feels one way and the other side feels another? Or when we have to "tell ourselves" to be strong?

These statements....these emotions, would imply that there are two of us. Two people, maybe even more, built within one body. Multiple voices spouting their opinions, fears, emotions and desires. We even see it when all of these voices are aligned and agree on something. We make statements like "i feel this with all of my being." Which again implies that all of our voices, personalities and beliefs are in agreement. And there are times when we have to choose between the "us" that makes the most sense at the time. One side says go, one side says stay. One side says yes, one side says no. One side says "i know i can," the other says "i'm just not sure."

So which do we choose to listen to? Which voice could be, should be the most powerful? And how do we even know where these voices are generated from? From the heart, the mind, the soul? Would it make any difference if we knew?

Are there two of us? and if so, which one do we listen to?

"Her"

“Her”
It was the essence of "her"
the mere presence of "her"
that prompted my vacillation
to provide a solid explanation
in my lines
when i began receiving signs
of all kinds
that my minds
eye, had been lookin in a new direction
with a brand new process of selection
for love and affection
and with my heart and soul showing no objection
i allowed these feelings to invade
but still with my words no effort was made
for homage in rhyme to her was never paid

because back then
was when
fear of perception was what held my pen
from others looking in
and even from the glare of my own eyes
my passion became something i had to fictionalize
and by no surprise
my words had formed stories i couldn't begin to recognize

can you imagine something so absurd
poems lost and hesitation incurred
allowing my voice to be bound and gird
by the fear of using one 3 letter word
it was "her" i was dying to say
with "her" i wanted to spend my day
"her" was who i wanted to stay
all the while telling myself if was they
they that stood in my way
battled to no end
because they couldn't comprehend
the reason i had to pretend
that "her" was NOT my godsend
that "her" was NOT the one to mend
the pieces of my shattered body and broken soul
that "her" was the one I couldn't openly extol
feelings with which THEY couldn't understand and i couldn't control
hidden feelings that began to take their toll
a point at which i could no longer console
and had to disagree
with my frustrated vision of the ones i could see
and i realized i needed to move that finger 180 degrees
cause clearly the only one standing in my way was me

i had always been free
to make my choice
to give my feelings for "her" a voice
allowing my words to form a confession
to show my obsession
through my own form of expression
that "her" had become the center of my being
inside "her" was where i was fleeing
that "her" was all I was really seeing
it was "her"
my words now form for "her"

Can you feel it?

All I really want to say right now is how incredibly proud I am to be an American. I love America with all her beauty and all of her faults. I love the way she has forced us to see ourselves in another human being that looks upon the exterior, nothing like us. How she has forced each of us to get to know each other on a grander scale beyond what we see and in turn has allowed each of us to know ourselves a little deeper to our core.

I'm confident we're paying closer attention now more than ever. Today is one of those moments when you can literally feel the energy and spirit of the each being on this Earth move the wind that presses up against your body. A day when we can all feel, literally, connected to one another and be so incredibly proud of the life we've been granted because of the pride we feel for the life next to us that has been granted.

I'm confident we can and will make that feeling last.

How lucky we could be....

I met a male to female transgender woman at church today. Lets call her Patricia. I'd seen Patricia at church before but had never formally introduced myself. And we only met today because she was sitting in the row in front of me during the peace offering. She turned, extended her hand and said "Hi, I'm Patricia. Peace be with you." And I have to admit, from then on, I was a bit distracted in church. Not because of Patricia, but because of my own stream of thoughts that followed our meeting:

I first thought: It's so nice that Patricia has a community and a church that is open and accepting of her entire being. I'm grateful to be apart of that community.

I then thought: I wonder what she does for work. I wonder what people are like to her outside of this community. People that pass her on the street or stand next to her in the line at the grocery store. I wonder what kind of world she faces when she's not here. I wonder if she has a partner. A lot of friends. Any friends.

My next thought was: I wonder how my parents would react if I transitioned.

I have no desire to transition but I became curious to know how my family would deal with such a decision, which ultimately spawned my next thought: My journey in life is to figure out how to be the best "me" I can be. I will only make the world a better place if I truly fulfill what I know is best about myself. I must put myself in situations that make me a better person, do the things that make me happy, that I know I'm good at and ultimately fulfill my destiny.

That last thought made me ask the question: So how could a parent, a friend, a passer on the street, a church, a group of people, etc. who are NOT me, ever be concerned about me doing what makes me happy or what I know is right and best for ME? How can anyone that is not me tell me the way I live my life, the things I do, the people I associate with, the groups I'm apart of are wrong? And above all, how could anyone ever feel sad for me, dismiss me, estrange themselves from me....if this is just me? If this is how I make the world the best world it can be? If I do these things for the betterment of the very people that may reject me? How could anyone else, seeing as we're all on this same journey to be the best "ME," ever tell me the way I'm doing it is wrong? How is it not possible for EVERYONE to see the beauty and the benefit in a person making themselves the best person they know how to be?

How lucky would we all be if every person on this Earth felt comfortable, assured and supported in finding and following with all their heart their true destiny? How lucky would we all be if every person on this Earth remained flexible to skewed perceptions of tradition, society, pop culture, fads and norms and could see through to the hearts of each persons own unique make up...whatever it may be?

I'm not sure if it was meeting Patricia, being in the presence of God, being amongst some of the best friends in the world or a combination of all three that got me to thinking about all of this, but I am certain of what I took away from it: As I think about creating a family of my own and raising thoughtful, loving children, I'll be damn sure to pass along one very clear message--Pay very close attention to all of your OWN life's opportunities and possibilities and follow the ones that speak to every ounce of your being. Pay no mind to onlookers, naysayers, people of the like or to the opportunities and possibilities that others are finding and following. Trust yourself and take action. Then and only then, will I feel confident that your presence will do what it was intended to do on this Earth. And what a beautiful thing it will be....and how lucky we will all be.

The Importance of Words-A Tribute to the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The message that Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. relayed on August 28, 1963 in Washington, D.C. was one that, because of it's depth, dynamism and profundity, has touched so many since that day.  A sentiment that is surely well known and understood but perhaps and unfortunately, rarely remembered.  Dr. King's words have meant many things to me in the evolution of my own life, but have probably gone deeper for me now more than ever before for one reason....the importance of words.

As kids, we learn how to speak words, spell words and connect words to make meaning in sentences.  We learn to hear words, repeat words and sometimes we made up our own words. But when I think back on my life, I struggle to remember receiving the message of the importance of words.  In fact, I recall many adults in my life reminding me that "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  A cliched sentiment I had no problem accepting as a kid but now eschew with all my might.  And I do so through the words of Dr. King.  

The day King delivered his message of hope, of change, of freedom, of demanding justice for ALL, his words melted into the hearts of those that NEEDED to hear them.  His words inspired action, rebellion and power for those that had lost their inspiration.  His words gave rise to changes this country thought they would never see.  Our first African American President...Barak Obama.  The beautiful "coincidence" of the inauguration happening the day after our day of remembrance for the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  Dr. King said he had a dream...and perhaps that's where his words came to him.  But I rest assured that Dr. King knew that our reality is and will always be shaped through our words.  Our words create our reality.  They create the world we know today.  And they will create the world we see tomorrow.  

As I celebrate all the beauty, courageousness and brilliance of this man....I will remind myself of the importance of words.  And I will remind myself that the world I talk about, the life I speak of, the dreams I whisper in a good friend's ear....will be forever my words becoming my reality.  They will be my words...they will be my life.     

Spilled Milk

Writer, poet, and word-smith extraordinaire Yolanda Williams has created a masterpiece entitled "Spilled Milk" that should be viewed by all.  Yolanda paints an incredible picture of progression and emotion that will quickly immerse all who read.  For those who have ever searched for, found, questioned and reveled in the feeling of love, this book will take you to all those places and back.  For those who have a need for words that envelop, challenge and ease all at the same time, this book is exactly what you're looking for.